I’ve sat with more than a few men whose marriages were on the rocks. In each case, it was normal to hear complaints about the wife. There was typically a laundry list of reasons why she was insufferable, demanding, cold, or unreasonable. Without question, the husband had worked hard and done all he could, but she just wouldn’t change. And sometimes this was actually the truth. But oftentimes, the husband bore at least some, if not a significant amount, of the responsibility.
You see, the biggest enemies of marriage don’t exist outside of your control. Typically, they either come from within you or from sources you have some measure of control over. In fact, many times the real reason why our marriages are unhealthy is that we aren’t willing to take a long, hard look in the mirror. And of course, working on yourself is hard. But if you want your relationship to thrive, you need to start by honestly addressing 5 of your marriage’s biggest enemies.
1. Selfishness
I hate to say it, but sometimes you are your marriage’s worst enemy. It’s not because of your personality or some annoying trait. It’s because you’re selfish. This might come out in obvious ways, like when you’re too busy to be bothered with the dishes or a night out with the guys takes precedence over whatever is happening at home. Or it may be much more subtle. You might be too focused on your work or your own interests to actually stop and listen to your wife explain what she did today. Or maybe you’ve allowed your career aspirations to drive decisions around your schedule, where you live, or even the type of family you will have (number of kids, etc.), without really giving your wife equal input.
Love requires that you put your wife first. This doesn’t mean you’re a doormat. But it does mean a willingness to be intentionally unselfish. You do this in small ways, like listening even when you’re tired or not keeping track of who did the dishes or laundry last, and in big ways like giving her space to speak into whether that next job move is actually the best one for you and your family. Fulfilling marriages require each partner to put the other first.
2. Isolation
A 2022 study done by UCLA showed that couples who are socially isolated have much poorer outcomes than those with robust social networks. When you withdraw from people outside of your marriage, it increases the pressure on your wife to be everything to you. Not only must she be your lover and partner in parenting and life, but she also is the one you lean on for support, entertainment, and wise counsel. This withdrawal from others leads to a sense of loneliness, which contributes to stress, anxiety, and depression. It can also lead to resentment on your wife’s part for failing to meet all of your social needs, and toward you for putting so much pressure on her. Contrary to popular belief, even in healthy marriages, you need a supportive community.
When things are going sideways, and when things are going well, you need a community of people around you. Some of these will be friends you can go to who will ask hard questions and push you to be your best with your wife. Some might show up with meals when you are sick. Others might be people you serve together. The point is, in good times and bad times, your marriage is stronger when you have a strong social network.
3. Criticism
Drs. John & Julie Gottman famously talked about “the four horsemen” of marriage—four communication styles that potentially signal the end of a marriage. Criticism is one of the most obvious and insidious enemies of marriage. We can fool ourselves into thinking that criticism is simply “being honest” or is our desire to help our wives grow. But when criticism becomes not about ways something could be done better, but about who your wife is, it can slowly chip away at a good relationship.
We need to be committed to honoring our wives even as we are honest when they can do something differently. All marriages must have the freedom to give honest, even difficult, feedback, but that’s only possible and constructive in the context of a relationship in which she trusts that you care deeply for her and want her best.
4. Contempt
Even more subtly destructive than criticism is contempt (another of the Gottmans’ “Four Horsemen”). To show contempt for your wife is to treat her as inferior to you. Contempt doesn’t just criticize, it shames. Contempt treats the target as “less than” and often arises from long-held resentment that hasn’t been dealt with. It pushes your wife away and is one of the deadliest enemies of marriage because it destroys the marital bond.
To battle contempt, you must work to intentionally remind yourself of what you appreciate about your wife. It may be valuable to spend some time journaling about why you fell in love with her in the first place. Perhaps you could ask your kids what they love about their mom. It’s highly likely your wife has some amazing attributes you’ve just come to take for granted. Remind yourself of them, then begin practicing praising your wife for those attributes. What we focus on forms us. Focus on what is amazing about your wife to help pull you out of contempt.
5. Fear
One overlooked enemy of marriage is fear. We rarely think in those terms, but many of us respond to our wives from deeply held, but unrecognized or unexpressed fears. It might be the fear of disappointing her or the fear of conflict. Perhaps it’s the fear of failing or the fear of being controlled. There are many things that can trigger a fear response, but fear itself triggers a fight-or-flight response that causes us to move away from, rather than towards, our wives.
This one can be challenging to identify, but if we find ourselves regularly reacting strongly to our wives and we can’t figure out why, there’s a good chance it’s rooted in some fear. A therapist, a pastor, or a really thoughtful friend can be a huge gift here. Having someone ask probing questions can help peel back the layers that protect our fear, and once the fear is exposed, we’ll also need those people to walk with us as we learn to move past it.
Sound off: What are other enemies of marriage you’ve noticed in your own or others’ relationships?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “Have you observed anything in how I treat you that I need to address?”