I had not heard of the manosphere until a friend mentioned it to me. By then, it was already white hot. When I started digging into the entrenched online movement, it rubbed me the wrong way. The hyper-masculine digital world promotes misogynistic behavior, a status-above-all mindset, and many more harmful things. As the father of two girls, I’m trying to teach them what qualities to expect in a man. As a father of a boy, I’m trying to teach him how to be honorable. That’s why the toxic manosphere nonsense infuriates me. If your son is dabbling in the manosphere, it’s time to ask serious questions.
My biggest issue with manosphere content is that it is full of people who want to look strong but are actually weak. Fueled by influencers, boys begin acting and eventually believing the script. Their desire to appear tough and enlightened leads them to put on a strong-man costume. The worst part, our kids see us acting too. We put on a show, behaving a certain way, hoping to trick others. Does this sound familiar? Here are 5 things that look like strengths but are actually weaknesses.
1. Keeping Your Walls Up
I took my family to see an old fort in St. Augustine, Florida. We marveled at its impressive height and the thickness of the stone walls. I remember thinking the fort looked impenetrable because of these huge walls. Walls are meant to keep others out. They’re a great feature for military structures, but a terrible idea for people. You’re not a fortress. When we put up walls, it may look like we can handle anything on our own, but we’re really disguising weakness as strength.
Maybe you put up walls to prevent possible heartache. Maybe they’re meant to prevent people from seeing the real you. That makes sense because high walls do prevent harm, but they also shield us from great things like friendship, growth, and community. In that sense, walls make us weaker. I understand exercising caution when you first meet new people, but if you’re still keeping your walls up at home, work, or in your community year after year, it’s time to think about what you’re trying to protect. An unhealed wound? Your nerves? When your walls are up, it reveals a lack of courage. You have to have strength to show your true self to others. If you keep your walls up, it’ll be difficult for others to really get to know you.
2. Never Showing Emotion
I’ve never been good at showing my emotions. It’s not that I have none; I just tend to muscle through sad moments and pretend stress isn’t real. My wife calls me out on it because she knows me well. I don’t think my kids are aware that I actually do feel things. That’s not me bragging. That’s admitting I’m weak in this area.
It’s good to let people know how you’re feeling. Hiding in the garage when you’re stressed or acting unfazed when you get bad news isn’t good for you. You need to let those feelings out. Men tend to express anger often because it’s socially acceptable. But every other feeling is valid, and you shouldn’t be tricked into thinking suppression is strength. When you show your emotions, you give your kids (and others) permission to be real around you, not walk on eggshells to avoid expressing themselves in ways Dad never does. That will help them handle their emotions better. Lead by example in this area.
3. Not Saying “I’m Sorry”
As BJ Foster pointed out on the All Pro Dad podcast, “Strong people apologize quickly.” That’s because they have the real strength of humility. That’s the subtle superpower we should be aiming for. Apologies begin to fix what’s broken between you and someone else. Withholding that apology, or failing to ever say “I’m sorry,” is weakness masquerading as righteousness. It stings to admit you’re wrong. It’s not fun. But strong people do it quickly.
Our kids need to hear us apologize, see us do it with others, and understand that humility is strength. Refusing to apologize and “sticking to your guns” when you know you’re wrong is just disguising weakness as strength.
4. Doing Everything Yourself
I remember getting lost on a road trip with some buddies while in college. We were trying to get from North Carolina to Florida, and our MapQuest printouts were insufficient. So, there we stood on the side of the highway in Athens, with the glovebox map sprawled out on the hood, silently wondering if any of us had the guts to go into the gas station and ask for directions. Doing so would mean we’d have to rely on others for help, and that certainly wasn’t going to happen. Eventually, we made it home.
I don’t struggle with this anymore because smartphones have GPS. But I still don’t ask for help much. That’s not a sign of strength. Relying on others has benefits, such as sharing burdens, receiving encouragement, and understanding that you aren’t made for isolation. Avoiding asking for help is a recipe for loneliness and frustration. That’s why Solomon, a king in the Bible who many consider the wisest man ever, wrote, “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” It’s time to reject the idea that strong men don’t ask for help.
5. Never Being Vulnerable
I have a scar on my forehead. I’d have to pull my hair back for you to see it, but it’s there. You’d never know I had a horrible bike accident when I was five, and the wound required 17 stitches—unless I told you. That scar is part of my story, but only I decide if it’s told. There’s a big difference between a physical mark and an emotional, mental, or spiritual one, but we all have them. Sometimes men fall into the trap of thinking that if we choose not to expose our flaws or mistakes, they’ll just magically disappear. But that’s not true. It takes true strength to show people who you really are.
Being vulnerable isn’t weakness. It’s the only way you’ll ever become fully known. That may sound scary, but vulnerability cracks the door open for friendship, something men struggle with. Your kids will struggle, too, if they keep things hidden from others. Encourage them to be honest with others and share what’s true about themselves.
Sound off: Where are you disguising weakness as strength?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What does it mean to be strong?”