“You never listen to me!” My wife was frustrated. I had made a small error in putting things away in the kitchen. It wasn’t a big deal, and that wasn’t the point. The point was that this was something we’d talked about before. Several times, actually. She wasn’t bothered by the mistake; she was tired of the pattern.
Have you found yourself surprised by how your wife responded to a “simple” mistake? Perhaps you were taken aback by how angry or sad she was. It’s possible, maybe even likely, that the problem isn’t the thing you did but her sense that you are never really listening. You think you are, but there are lots of things getting in the way that you might not be cognizant of. Here are the real 5 reasons you’re not listening to your wife and how to be a better listener going forward.
1. Your priorities are off.
What’s the most important thing you could be doing right now? Depends on the moment, right? However, most of the time, if you’re in a conversation with your wife, the most important thing you can be doing is right there in front of you: listening to her. But if we’re honest, active listening in marriage is hard. Often, we’ve got two or three (or seven) other things running through our minds, and it’s easy to take your wife for granted.
If you want to be a better listener in marriage, then you need to put in the work to prioritize even seemingly mundane conversations. Pause what you’re doing. Make eye contact with your wife. Ask clarifying questions. Say back to her what you think she said. Not only will you do a better job of listening, but she’ll actually feel heard.
2. You’re hurried.
One of the biggest challenges to active listening in marriage is our pace of life. We are rushing from one thing to the next, often passing one another like ships in the night. We’re tossing logistics back and forth to make sure all the kids’ activities are accomplished while everyone gets dinner and finishes their homework. And all of this happens while trying to respond to emails from your clients and checking when the game starts later. In the midst of this chaos, actually listening to your wife can simply be a luxury you can’t afford.
If you want to listen better, slow down. Work to create margin in your daily activities so that you can have space to pause and focus on what your wife is actually saying to you. Of course, this will be challenging. Slowing down has a price. Namely, you’ll have to grapple with the reality that you simply can’t do it all. At the same time, taking the time to listen well and communicate with your wife will increase your ability to work together on the most pressing tasks.
3. You’re tired.
Of course you are. You’re reading this because you’re a dad. This means you are undoubtedly juggling way too many things and not sleeping as much as you should. And when you’re tired, focusing is hard. The energy required for active listening in marriage is hard to come by. You’re quicker to tune out or jump to your own conclusions because it’s just easier.
On the one hand, you should get some rest. It’s important not only for your health but also for your relationship. That said, it’s a bit idealistic to imagine that you can just make the decision to get all the sleep you need. With kids, sometimes other factors are at play. But when optimum rest is not possible, when you must simply accept that you are tired, you should also acknowledge it to your wife. This isn’t an excuse, but it is a reason why you may not be as attentive as you’d otherwise like to be. And understanding your state of mind might help her engage with you more effectively.
4. You’re speaking different languages.
Different folks communicate differently. The language you speak isn’t just about the words you use, but about how you see the world. You may think in terms of factual, data-based, solution-oriented information. Your wife may think in terms of relational, emotion-based, peace-oriented engagement. So when you’re addressing an issue together, you’re talking about the same thing, but you’re using different language. For example, when discussing whether you should move, you talk about cost savings, a better location, or how the home better suits your needs. However, your wife might talk about access to family and friends, the impact on the kids, and the ability to host social gatherings.
How do you listen well? You learn a new language. That doesn’t mean you come to agree with how your wife evaluates things, but you do work to understand. Ask questions. Don’t rush to judgment. Seek to understand, not just to be understood.
5. You’re lazy.
Listening is hard. Attention requires effort. And sometimes, you’re just not putting in the work. On the one hand, it’s understandable that lots of things in your life take effort. Sometimes you just don’t have the energy. But occasionally, you’re just lazy. You’d rather watch the game or deal with the work email than listen to your wife. And when those are the choices you make, you reap frustration, hurt, and distance.
I wish I could give you a quick-fix strategy for curing your laziness, but there isn’t one. If you want to build trust and understanding, you’re going to have to be willing to work at it. You won’t always feel like it. You may not enjoy it all the time. But in the end, if you actively listen to your wife, your relationship will deepen—and that’s worth the effort.
Sound off: What else causes you not to listen well to your wife?
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Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What are ways you feel I could do a better job listening to you?”