I’m a competitive person. “Second place” is my least favorite place. I don’t like getting beaten on the golf course, chessboard, or even in a three-legged race at a family picnic. My kids know this about me. Ask them about our legendary UNO battles, or how I never let off the gas in Mario Kart. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m a sore loser, but there are a few things I enjoy less than falling short of a decisive victory. Maybe you can relate.
But there is one area of my life in which this competitive streak doesn’t apply. As my kids have gotten older, I’ve noticed I’m actually looking forward to seeing them pass me by. I still want to crush them in board games, but I’ll be very excited if they eventually out-earn me, out-give me, and live long, full lives. I’ll gladly pair silver hair with a silver medal in this area. But that won’t happen by accident, so I’m thinking of ways to help them start surpassing me now. Here are 6 ways to boost your kids’ future today.
1. Pump them up.
Not all dads are great with their words. If you grew up with one who didn’t verbalize his feelings, you may not have heard “I’m proud of you” or “Way to go” much. Maybe you’re like me and didn’t always have a dad in the home. You can change things for your kids. Consistently tell them how special they are, how proud you are, and how excited you are to be their dad. It is huge for their self-esteem. Kids are more likely to take on hard challenges when they know Dad cares about them.
A sneaky way to do this is to compliment them “sideways.” I try to praise my kids to others when I know they’re within earshot. I just slide “I can’t believe how smart they are” into conversations when they’re in the room. It’s indirect, but it hits the target—their heart. In a recent podcast interview, Steve Harvey lamented the fact that his biggest cheerleader died when his dad passed away, but he’s still fueled by his encouraging words. Be the boost your kids will need in the future by reminding them how special they are today.
2. Provide for them.
If you equate “provide” with “make a ton of money,” pause for a second. Yes, dads should earn money and provide their kids with the essentials, but “provide” goes far beyond clothes, food, and housing. Love is essential. Guidance is essential. So are support, encouragement, emotional and spiritual support, and feelings of belonging. Dads must provide all these things. You don’t have to be perfect at this, but you do have to try. How is a man supposed to lead his family if he doesn’t take care of their needs?
Here’s a great tip for you: Don’t compare what you provide for your family to others’. Your neighbor has his kids, and you have yours. Your kids’ needs are probably different, and it’s your job to provide what they need. Anticipate when they’ll feel anxious and respond. Listen when they’re hurting and offer empathy. Reassure them that you see their nervousness. Buy the ice cream cone when they get a good grade. When you become a great provider, your kids won’t feel the need to go find fulfillment somewhere else. They’ll look back on childhood knowing they’re fully equipped because you worked so hard to provide well, beyond just new shirts and tacos.
3. Nudge them.
One way I’ll boost my kids’ future is to nudge them outside their comfort zones. They may not like this, as evidenced by the conversation I just had with my teen, who is nervous about performing in front of large groups. That’s understandable, but I nudged her anyway, because it’s good for her. We believe in our kids before they believe in themselves sometimes. So, I told my daughter I think she would shine in front of others because I’ve seen her do it at home. Your kids may not buy into your nudge as quickly as you’d like, but that’s OK. It may take time to get them to see your vision for them. Keep nudging them in those “uncomfortable” areas. They may eventually receive it as you having confidence in them. Listen to Episode 114 of the All Pro Dad podcast for tips to do this well.
4. Pray for them.
I believe that, in addition to pumping up our kids, providing for them, and giving them confidence, praying over them can set them up well. At the very least, they’ll know Dad cares enough to ask God for help. When we redid a wall in our home, we followed the command from Deuteronomy 6:9. We prayed and wrote scripture on the 2-by-4s hidden in the walls. The section of Scripture tells parents to “Impress (God’s commands) on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down, and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.” Just like our unseen 2-by-4s, I think the prayers I pray for my kids today will provide important structure for the future. If you are looking for a place to start, ask God to help your kids develop character, conviction, and courage.
5. Talk about consequences.
You do your kids zero favors by letting them get away with stuff they shouldn’t. Did they lie to you? Cheat on a test? Break curfew? There should be a consequence. Not because you like punishing them, but because they’ve ignored a rule or broken a boundary you’ve set as the parent. It shows total disrespect to know the rule and not follow it, so a consequence must happen to demonstrate that instructions matter.
An old proverb (Proverbs 3:12) says, “For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.” Discipline is love. Discipline is good for kids, even if it doesn’t feel good. How can you do this in the least painful way possible? Hand out every consequence in love. Don’t do it in the heat of the moment. Hand out discipline when you’re calm. Do your best to explain your reasons and stand firm on your decisions. Do everything with fairness in mind.
6. Prioritize them.
I just talked with a dad on the phone today who is working through work-life balance with his kids. He has three girls under five and wants to spend more time with them, but his demanding job requires travel and long hours. Maybe you feel that tension too. How is a man supposed to lead his family when he’s juggling so much? What you’re experiencing is the importance of your role. You are their foundation. If you are a steady presence, they’ll feel more secure. So, prioritize your kids as much as possible. This doesn’t mean quit your job, eliminate your free time, or cut out all hobbies. It means go all in when you’re with your kids. Give them 100% of your attention, even if you can’t give them all of your time. Don’t rush through the bedtime routines. Walk the dog together at a slow pace. And do your best to be at the school play. They’ll feel loved when you put them above other things.
Sound off: Have you asked yourself, “How is a man supposed to lead his family?”
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What do you want your future to look like?”