It looked like a great family photo, but it didn’t tell the whole story. There was Jack (not his real name), his arm around his wife’s waist as she leaned into his shoulder. They were sitting next to their kids with a beautiful forest in the background, big smiles on their faces. As I spoke to him one evening, not even a month after I got the picture in a Christmas card, he told me that his marriage was essentially over, and he was looking for somewhere to live. Turns out that the beaming faces in the glossy 4×6 photo hid the truth of what was really going on at home.
Putting on a fake smile is dangerous if you’re avoiding deeper issues in your marriage. That’s what happened with Jack’s family. This was about much more than one family photo. They had a habit of smiling and pretending that everything was all right day after day. They didn’t deal with the things that were going on beneath the surface, and their marriage paid the price. We can be tempted to do the same thing. Here are 6 ways we gloss over marital problems.
1. We try to stay busy.
Being married and having kids makes for full days. There’s always housework, homework, extra-curricular activities, and many other things that require time. All of this sits above and beyond whatever responsibilities you have at work. When things get tough at home, it’s easy to lean into them because it means we have less downtime. One way to fight back against this kind of busyness is to have the hard conversations or go over the misunderstanding from earlier that day. Resolving issues rather than ignoring them keeps your marriage strong.
2. We try to escape.
Most of us carry a phone in our pockets designed to draw and hold our attention. For a marriage in trouble, this can be harmful. But it’s more than just our phones. It could be taking extra trips, working overtime, spending excessive time playing video games, or looking at porn. All these distractions are a symptom that we’re trying to hide from the things that are wrong in our marriage. Be aware of the unhealthy ways you try to avoid marital problems and be willing to scale back or cut them entirely out of your life.
3. We live in denial.
When problems show up in a marriage, we might tell ourselves that everything is OK and that things are going to get better on their own. But denying that you have a problem means you’re not going to do anything about it. Chances are, if you feel like something is off, your wife does too. Instead of denying you have a problem, be willing to face reality. Ask yourself what’s really going on here: Are you both unhappy? Are you caught in a rut of bad habits, like watching shows in different rooms or never going to bed at the same time?
4. We avoid conflict.
No one likes to fight, so sometimes we bite our tongues or change the subject when hard things come up. A family law clinic in Illinois says, “When couples don’t talk openly, problems grow.” Work on this problem by learning to use “I feel” statements whenever possible. When you’re ticked off with your wife, don’t say, “You always belittle me in public,” instead try, “When you made fun of me in the grocery store, I felt really embarrassed,” or “I sometimes feel like a lower priority than the kids.” Learning how to fight more fairly can help de-escalate marital problems.
5. We minimize the problem.
There’s a scene in the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail where, during a duel, King Arthur cuts off an opposing knight’s arm. The knight famously replies, “’Tis only a flesh wound,” and tries to continue the duel. We do something similar when we realize we’ve got marital problems but fail to acknowledge that it’s serious. We tell ourselves it’s not a big deal and pretend nothing’s wrong. Instead of minimizing, try to look at things objectively. What’s really going on here? How can I make things better?
6. We project the blame on others.
People hate to admit when they’ve done something wrong. This is why many of us are tempted to blame others instead. If only they acted differently, things would be better. We might blame our wives, the way our parents raised us, or the pressures of a busy season at work. Whether or not it’s true, the attitude and actions you can change are your own. Resist the urge to fixate on what others do (or don’t do) and be willing to change what you can in your own life. When you recognize and work on your own shortcomings, you’ll see the payoff in your marriage as well.
Sound off: What are some other ways we gloss over marital problems?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What’s one thing that’s working and one thing we should work on in our marriage?”