Sometimes the best actions have unintended consequences. Have you ever noticed that many of us literally shape our lives around our teens–taxiing them from one event to the next, doing all we can to provide academic opportunities, overseeing their social calendar–and yet, our teens are struggling with record levels of anxiety and depression while we are exhausted. What if all of our efforts were unintentionally part of the problem?
This type of parenting is commonly referred to as “intensive parenting.” And while it can certainly provide some benefits, such as allowing you to wield more influence on your child and being an involved parent, the overall effects of intensive parenting can be largely negative, leading to anxiety, lack of confidence, stress, and exhaustion in your teen…and you! Here are 5 ways you’re too focused on your teen.
1. You are more committed to their success than they are.
I remember a season with one of my teens when it seemed like we had to function as her external motivation. We were looking over her shoulder to make sure she was studying, reminding her to practice for basketball, waking her up for school, and more. Finally, my wife and I had to admit that we were more committed to our teen’s success than she was. So slowly, we began stepping back and saying, “If you want this, you need to do it.”
It wasn’t easy, and we had to be OK with letting her experience the pain of failure. But in the long run, it drastically reduced our stress and taught her the importance of personal responsibility. And learning that lesson is way more important than getting an A.
2. Your calendar is dictated by them.
Most of us who have teenagers also have full calendars. On the one hand, it’s really good to be involved in your kid’s life. Showing up for his games, knowing the kids he’s hanging out with, and taking him to practice are all good things. However, it’s easy for good things to become problematic when we suddenly feel like we have no power over where our time goes.
When you look at your family calendar, if there is regularly zero space in it for you to spend time with your wife or do something with a friend, then you’re not modeling healthy adulthood for your child. Your teen needs to know that while he is a priority, your life does not revolve around him. And you need a life that has space for people and things that aren’t dictated by your 15-year-old.
3. Your teen’s desires supersede your own.
Maybe this sounds familiar: Your teen comes home from school and immediately goes up to her room, mumbling about lots of homework. You pass by her closed door several times and hear her talking with friends. When dinner is ready, you call her, but she says she doesn’t have time and she’ll grab something later. You protest, but she insists. Eventually, you just let it go. Despite the fact that you know family dinner is a critical time for her and you, you do what so many of us do: You cave. And it’s not just dinners. It’s worshiping with you on Sundays or visiting extended family or any number of other things that actually matter, but aren’t what your teen wants.
So often, what’s good for our teens long term requires the courage of a parent who is willing to say, “I know you don’t want to do this, but you need to.” If this is new, prepare for a battle. She’s not going to immediately agree with your priorities. But remember, you’re the parent. It’s your job to help her make healthy choices.
4. You fight your teen’s battles.
My daughter had a friend, we’ll call Amanda. We really liked Amanda’s whole family, but her mom had this habit of fighting Amanda’s battles. If Amanda felt left out, we might get a phone call letting us know our teen wasn’t being thoughtful enough. If Amanda sat the bench, the coach would get an earful. Once, the mom actually lectured my daughter on the way home from an event about why she wasn’t being a good friend to Amanda. Needless to say, this level of intensive parenting didn’t do great things for Amanda. Not only did it create friction in her relationships, but Amanda really struggled with self-confidence for a long time.
As parents, it’s really hard to let our kids fight their battles. We love them and want to protect them. But they need you to teach them how to handle difficulty, not shield them from it. After all, you won’t be there to fight their battles forever.
5. You feel guilty saying no.
Teens want a lot. Whether it’s clothes, a new phone, involvement in sports, or the felt need to “keep up” with their friends’ families, it can be a lot. And if we’re not careful, we can let our teens’ desire to fit in win over our wisdom about what is good for them. So maybe it’s true that all of his friends just got the newest $200 retro Jordans, but you think they’re too expensive. Or perhaps everyone in her social circle really is involved in two sports, the spring musical and youth group, but you don’t think that level of activity is good for her.
Often, our response is either to cave or to carry guilt for saying no. But what if asking her to stand out is positive, and learning to be content with what she has is a real long-term gift? These lessons are far more valuable than your teen simply getting what she wants.
Sound off: What other signs might indicate that your parenting style leans toward an intensive approach?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “Does our parenting style keep our teen from taking responsibility for himself?”