Some of the smartest, most successful people I know—leaders, doctors, lawyers—can solve complex problems, lead huge teams, and make critical decisions every day. Yet at home, they feel stuck. And I get it. I’ve always been someone who pours everything into my work. But what I’ve learned over 20 years of helping couples is that putting work before marriage is rarely intentional.
Most of us don’t wake up thinking, “Today I’m going to prioritize my job over my wife.” It just happens. Slowly. Quietly. One late night turns into a pattern. One skipped conversation becomes a habit. And the very skills that make us so successful at work don’t translate into relationship skills. So here are 4 practical ways to stop putting work before your marriage.
1. Give your best energy at home, not what’s left over after work.
My job is helping married couples, and I can spend all day pouring into other people’s marriages, giving my best thinking, energy, and most creative ideas. Then I come home exhausted, collapse onto the couch, and wonder why my wife, Nancie, seems distant. Sound familiar? Daily habits are often the first telltale signs you’re putting work before your marriage.
You bring it all day, and when you get home, you need some downtime. But your marriage needs you—the real, engaged you—not whatever is left over after you give your best to everyone else. So figure out how to decompress after work in order to be mentally and physically present in your marriage. Is that a podcast or music on the way home to get work off your mind? A quick hug, then 10 minutes to yourself before re-joining the family?
2. Be emotionally present, not just physically present.
Even when you’re mentally and physically present, sometimes the emotional side can be difficult. For many of us who are especially analytical and achievement-oriented, emotions can feel uncomfortable. Messy. Unnecessary. So, when big feelings show up, we look for ways to check out. We respond to a quick work email or text. We bring work home. We’re there, but we’re not really there. It’s another way of putting work before your marriage.
Marriage is inherently emotional. Leverage these intense emotions as an opportunity to connect, not disconnect. Choose to lean in, even when it’s uncomfortable, not only in the big, dramatic moments but in the small daily choices that build connection. Be tender instead of harsh. Notice her hard work. Look for ways you can show you care.
3. Treat your marriage like a relationship to nurture, not a problem to solve.
This became clear one family Christmas at my parents’ house. My wife, Nancie, was taking a break from the chaos, but I had a whole plan for how this trip should go. How she should act. I was ready to “fix” the situation by pointing out what she was doing wrong and suggesting what she should do instead. Then it hit me. Nancie didn’t need to measure up to my expectations. I was trying to manage the situation like a work project. I just needed to let her be her.
Marriage doesn’t work like a business, and the metrics at work don’t apply at home. Work rewards problem-solving. Marriage rewards nurturing the relationship. You can’t track the quarterly growth of emotional connection.
4. Prioritize your marriage every day, not just when it’s in crisis mode.
Like most couples, Nancie and I put a lot of time and energy into our relationship when we were first married. Then life got busy, work was demanding, and the kids came along. We assumed the connection we built in the beginning would sustain itself while we focused on everything else. But marriage doesn’t work that way.
Most marriages don’t break apart from the “biggies.” They dissolve slowly over time by assuming it’s OK to put work before your marriage just a little bit longer—until that project is done, the promotion comes through, or things slow down. But your marriage can’t run on autopilot. It requires consistent, intentional habits, not just when you’re in crisis mode. So, every single day, prioritize connecting in some small way. Those small moments will add up.
Work skills don’t always translate into relationship skills. You can’t out-achieve or out-analyze your way into a great marriage. But the very things that make you great at work—your adaptability, intelligence, and ability to implement new strategies—can help you in your marriage. These four practical ways to stop putting work before your marriage are a great place to start.
Sound off: Which of these 4 ways to stop putting work before marriage could you try today?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “Do you ever feel like I put work before our marriage?”