When Nancie and I got engaged, many of our friends, family, and a few strangers felt compelled to pull us aside and deliver the same warning: “Marriage is hard work.” They’d say it with this knowing sigh, like they were letting us in on some secret sufferers’ club. I started thinking, “Good grief, what did we just sign up for? Is marriage hard work and no play?” But what drove me crazy then and still does: Nobody could tell me what “hard work” actually meant.
Now, after 30 years of being married, plus working with thousands of other married couples, the truth is clear. Marriage feels like hard work when we make it more complicated than it needs to be. Here are 3 ways to keep it simple.
1. Resolve to be kind.
Are you already plenty nice to your spouse? Let’s find out. Take the Server Test. Don’t worry, it’s quick. All you have to do is think about how you treat the servers at restaurants and stores.
- You say “please” and “thank you,” right?
- You smile. Maybe even ask how their day is going.
- You resist the urge to roll your eyes if they mess up.
Now think about how you treat your spouse. That person you promised to love forever. The person you chose above everyone else on the planet. How do the two compare?
My friend, Dr. Jeff Fray, who is also a psychologist, put it this way: “We have convinced a generation that a group of Ph.D.s like me have tucked away the difficult secrets to marriage, and that the average Joe-and-Sue married couple has to somehow extract and interpret those secrets. Most couples have just forgotten the basics, like being kind.” If we treated our spouses with the same basic kindness we show servers, our marriages would quickly transform.
2. Embrace micro-moves.
Dr. John Gottman found that stable marriages have a 5:1 ratio: five positive interactions for every negative one. Now hold up. Don’t panic. I know it sounds impossible, but here’s the good news: Micro-moves count. Tiny little ways you can choose to be kind to your spouse every single day.
- Smile at her.
- Say “thank you.”
- Laugh at her joke (even if it’s not funny).
- Put your phone down when she’s talking and make eye contact.
- Ask for her high and low of the day.
Five to one. That’s the magic formula. Not hard work. Just consistent kindness. Sure, these aren’t romantic moments. They’re just day-to-day moments. But those moments add up, and the sum total of these micro-moves? That’s your marriage.
3. Recognize what is hard.
Life is hard, especially when we get thrown a curveball like an illness, disagreement about the kids, or work frustrations that follow us home. Researcher Charles Duhigg discovered habits (like this new “being extra kind” thing you’re working on) become more flexible during emotional moments. And marriage? Well, that’s basically one long emotional moment.
It’s no wonder it’s easy to forget the power of kindness, right? But when we discover we’ve fallen off the “be kind” wagon, we don’t need another complicated communication formula. All we need is to get back to the basics and be kind. Marriage is hard work, but it doesn’t have to be complicated!
Sound off: Is marriage hard work, or can you spot ways you’re making it more complicated than it needs to be?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate my daily kindness toward you this past week? And what’s one micro-move I could add to make it better?”