I recently had the chance to talk about a fading expectation—behaving like a gentleman. I say it’s fading because it feels like fewer men are acting like gentlemen these days. It was fun to discuss GQ’s outlook on TV, but its list wasn’t necessarily directed at dads. We play a major role in shaping how the world will look a generation from now. If we want gentlemen to make a comeback, it starts in our homes.
I have four sons; I want them all to be described as gentlemen. I hope you want that for your sons too. But how do we get them there? Raising gentlemen requires us to raise the standard, model good behavior, and look for opportunities to teach our kids. Here are 8 gentlemanly traits I want to teach my sons.
1. Always go last.
“The first shall be last” is a beautiful concept. Letting others go ahead of you not only shows humility, but it also demonstrates that you don’t expect to be served. What does this look like for your son? If you’re hosting a dinner party, take him to the back of the line with you while everyone else fills up their plates. Ask him to open doors for people (more on this later). Enter elevators last. Being willing to let others go before you is gentlemanly behavior.
2. Become a master of small talk.
Maybe your son knows a lot about LEGOs or Minecraft. That’s great, but does he have anything else to talk about? All gentlemen should know how to make small talk. It’s a skill, so start teaching your kids by introducing them to a bunch of different topics. Talk about sports, music, art, and more. Get them thinking about things they aren’t already knowledgeable about, so that when they are in a setting with a ton of new people, they can confidently carry on conversations. It’s courteous and will make your son more likable. And be sure to look people in the eye when you’re speaking to them. It shows respect, even with small talk. The great thing about small talk is that there’s no pressure to be an expert when conversations are only meant to last a short while.
3. Walk closest to the street.
Gentlemen are protectors. I want my sons to learn this early. A great way to start small is by standing between others and traffic. Show your sons how to position their bodies in a way that creates a feeling of safety in others. It’s very unlikely he’ll get hit by passing cars if he stays on the sidewalks. But it’s a kind gesture for gentlemen to choose to be the barrier between others and potential danger.
4. Don’t brag.
Bragging makes things all about you. It reveals your vanity and selfishness. When your sons start bragging, remind them that strong guys don’t have to flex to show off their strength. Every time you try to steer the conversation back to you, you look insecure. Your good traits will be noticed without having to point them out. Gentlemen don’t need to draw attention to themselves. Teach your son that it’s good to show interest in whoever he’s talking to. Tell him to treat everyone like the most interesting person in the room. His time to speak about himself will come. Choosing humility is the mark of assurance, confidence, and strength.
5. Stand or sit up straight when you’re talking to someone.
Good posture says a lot about you. It shows confidence, strength, and seriousness, but it also conveys respect. Slouching looks lazy and careless. So, have your son do the opposite. Teach him to stand up to greet people when they arrive and to sit tall in his chair.
6. Open doors.
This seems old-fashioned, but it’s a classic gentleman move for a reason. Opening car doors, building entrances—basically any door—is something gentlemen should reflexively do. It shows that you are considerate of others and don’t mind doing a little work to make someone’s day easier. It’s respectful, courteous, and never goes out of style. Raising gentlemen means training your sons to do this early. It will be a welcome surprise for a lot of young ladies when he is old enough to date.
7. Avoid cursing.
This may be unpopular. Casual cursing in movies, music, and at school has softened our view of foul language. It’s become commonplace, but that doesn’t make it gentlemanly. A young man who considers himself a gentleman finds a way to get his point across without resorting to foul language. I always think about Ephesians 4:29, which says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Be a good example to your son by avoiding curse words as well. By doing so, you set yourself apart from those around you.
8. Pick up the phone when people call. And be the caller sometimes too.
Texting has become the preferred method of communication for most young people. I get it. Texting is faster and can be great for multitasking. But let’s change that habit for our sons. Challenge your boy to pick up the phone to call a friend instead of texting. Calls foster conversation, and gentlemen should master that art form. Encourage your son not only to make more calls but also to answer when buddies call him. Both are communication skills that young gentlemen should practice.
Sound off: What is the most gentlemanly thing you’ve ever done?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What is something all gentlemen must do?”