5 Things Preventing You From Connecting With Your Teen

We’d started to feel like we weren’t seeing our teenage daughter very much. Between after-school activities, work, and hanging out with friends, she was away from the house a lot. When she was home, she was mostly in her room. Apart from meals, which lasted about 15 minutes, she rarely spent time with the rest of the family.

Does that sound familiar? Many teen parents I know feel completely disconnected from their teens. Worse yet, they feel like it’s inevitable. Often, they throw their hands up and say, “The teenage years are the worst!” But what if you were actually encouraging the disconnection? That’s a tough pill to swallow. But the good news is it doesn’t have to stay that way. Figuring out what you might be doing to cause the disconnection is the first step in making your relationship with your teen stronger. Here are 5 things preventing you from connecting with your teen.

1. You’re critical.

I didn’t really like the music she listened to, the shows she watched, or even the friends she hung out with. I thought TikTok was stupid, and I was on her about what she wore a lot. And when I was busy criticizing her, it was hard to enjoy my teen. I realized I needed to pivot from a judgmental posture to a learning one. To connect with a teenager, you have to start by taking an interest in her.

Instead of just dismissing your teen’s interests right away, what if you were open to learning about them? That doesn’t mean anything goes. But what if you listened to her favorite album with her or watched a show together? Maybe you could ask her who she follows on TikTok and take some time to check it out. Have the courage to knock on her door when she’s in her room and stop in for a chat. You don’t need to approve of everything (you can still say “no”) or even like the things that she likes, but learn to appreciate what you can.

2. You’re busy.

My wife and I realized a significant contributor to the problem of disconnection was our own busyness. Even when we were home, we were constantly going, making it difficult for our teen to get our attention. We would reassure ourselves that we were so busy because we had to work to make money to do things as a family. But if I’m honest, the busyness was often more about our need to be doing than it was about any greater aim. Accomplishment can become addictive, like a drug. Checking that project off the list, clearing out your inbox, and tidying up the garage can be good and give us a sense of accomplishment, but at the same time, more important things get neglected.

What if your busyness is preventing your connection with your teen? Is it possible that the hectic rhythms you take for granted–whether it’s your work schedule, your social schedule, or your general need to be doing something around the house–are creating a barrier to a deeper relationship? What if you learned to pause: share a meal together, take a walk, have a five-minute conversation? If you want to connect with a teenager, push back on the tendency toward busyness.

3. You’re controlling.

One of the most challenging things about parenting is that you are slowly learning to let go. When your kids are young, controlling them can actually serve you. You have to make sure your toddler isn’t crossing the street and that you know where your 8-year-old is going and who he’s going with. However, as your kids become teenagers, you have to figure out where you can and should step back. They need their space and will fight for it (or learn to deceive you) to get it, which is why our desire to control our teens often pushes them farther away.

What if you gave your teens more freedom? It’s a delicate balance: learning where to step back and where to lean in. But maybe allowing them to bomb a test or show up late to practice is exactly what they need. Or perhaps your willingness to release control frees them to discover who they are as they take initiative and succeed. Win or lose, they come to find that you actually trust them to make good choices. All of this builds connection and trust rather than severing it. To connect with a teenager, learn to let go.

4. You take yourself too seriously.

Your teenager knows you too well to take you seriously. He’s probably seen you in your underwear or heard you pass gas. Regardless of your job title, he’s seen you at your worst. That can actually be a gift, as authenticity is a big deal to your teen. However, it can also be tough if you refuse to embrace your faults. When your teen rolls his eyes at you because you don’t get something, or when you find out you made the wrong decision and he was, in fact, right about that thing you argued about, stop and laugh at yourself. Apologize. Be willing to change your mind.

It turns out, your teen knows that you aren’t perfect. If perfection is what you’re working toward, the only one you’re fooling is yourself. But to laugh at yourself is to be vulnerable. And to be vulnerable is to invite connection. If you want to know how to connect with a teenager, learning to laugh at yourself can be a great place to start.

5. You’re lazy.

Connecting with a teenager takes work. Unlike toddlers, teens rarely want to snuggle on the sofa or go everywhere you go. So if you’re waiting for your teen to fit into your schedule, you’ll miss out on pretty much everything. They also aren’t particularly appreciative. You’ve probably not had your teen thank you for missing the second half of the game to pick her up from field hockey. She’s also probably never mentioned she was grateful you stayed up late to make sure she got home safely from the dance. In short, it’s hard work to connect with a teen.

And this hard work of connecting requires learning a new language and way of thinking. It’s putting down the phone and paying attention, carving out time to drive them to a friend’s house or host a gathering at your own home. It’s choosing them over the game or responding to the work email. There’s not a one-size-fits-all formula, but whatever it takes, it’s going to take some effort. To connect with a teenager, you have to be willing to put in the work.

Sound off: What other things prevent you from connecting with your teenager?