“I think my need to control everything is actually pushing my kids away.” A fellow dad shared this with me over coffee last week. We began talking about how anxiety affects relationships in our families. I shared with him that sometimes my anxiety shows up in ways my kids can see—through my body language. It’s evident when I’m obsessively cleaning or sighing dramatically when something gets spilled. Our conversation got me thinking about how hard it is to be a good husband and father when anxiety gets in the way. That’s when the worst of me comes out, even though I’m trying hard to be my best self.
As a father of two girls, I’ve learned that our anxieties don’t just affect us—they affect our kids. Here are 3 seemingly innocent daily anxieties that, over time, can weaken your character.
1. Obsessing Over Orderliness
There’s nothing wrong with teaching our kids responsibility, but when orderliness becomes an obsession, it stops being helpful and starts being harmful. This is how anxiety messes with our relationships: the need to have everything “just right.” It made me short-tempered and overly focused on things being neat. I would stress if the shoes weren’t properly put back or if someone left a drinking glass on the counter. Some days, I found myself just walking through the house, putting things back where they belonged.
All the while, my kids were begging me to play. But my only response was, “I can’t play when everything is out of place!” My obsession with orderliness overtook the “goofball” side of me that my kids love. When every moment must be planned, controlled, and properly ordered, you miss out on being spontaneous and often lose the fun that comes with living in the moment.
2. Worrying if You’re “Good Enough”
Men can sometimes doubt themselves, especially if they have been criticized in the past for their actions or behavior. This can create doubt and make you wonder if you measure up to people like your wife, who always seems to know exactly what to say or do in any given situation. Perhaps you’ve found yourself comparing yourself to your father-in-law, who seems to know how to fix anything with his bare hands.
When you let yourself get stuck in these “Am I good enough?” thoughts, it slowly chips away at who you are. The anxiety of trying to measure up to perfection doesn’t just increase everyday stress—it also puts impossible pressure on yourself. The truth is, you will never be those people you compare yourself to. Instead of getting caught up in this web of comparison, focus on your own strengths. What makes you unique? What are your quirks or talents that make you original? Embrace your identity. Play to those strengths instead of becoming anxious because you are not someone else.
3. Stressing Over Money
Money anxiety shows up in two ways: either we obsess over every dollar, or we bury our heads in the sand and avoid dealing with it altogether. Both reactions stem from the same place: We’re afraid of what our financial situation says about us. I watched a buddy of mine turn into the “money police” with his family. He started questioning every grocery receipt, asking his wife why she spent $12 on organic apples, and making his kids feel guilty for wanting a new school uniform sweater. Being intentional with money isn’t the problem, but his constant anxiety about it turned him into someone his family stopped talking to when the topic of spending came up.
On the flip side, I know guys who refuse to look at their bank statements or talk about money with their wives because they don’t want to face what their spending habits reveal about their lack of discipline. When you’re constantly anxious about money-whether you’re obsessing over it or avoiding it—you stop being generous and present with the people who matter most. Over-controlling people become stingy and rigid. Avoiders become irresponsible and leave their families financially vulnerable. Both types end up being self-focused instead of thinking about what their families actually need.
Sound off: What quality do you want your kids to associate with you?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What brings you the most anxiety? How do you deal with it?”