One of the most insidious emotions that threatens your marriage isn’t anger or jealousy, but boredom. Early on in marriage, everything is exciting: the sex, the dreaming together, the learning about one another; it’s all new and fun! However, like all new things, the shine can begin to wear off pretty quickly. This is normal, of course. When you spend every day with the same person, you can’t expect it to be nonstop excitement. But that’s not the same as being bored with your wife.
Boredom isn’t something that happens to you because your wife isn’t exciting enough. Boredom is largely something you choose to cultivate in your heart and mind. Here are 5 reasons you’re bored with your wife.
1. You don’t show any interest in what she’s interested in.
Early on in our marriage, I would poke fun at my wife for listening to country music. I thought it was silly. Fast forward 25 years, and my favorite playlist is about one-third country songs. Why? Because I actually started paying attention. Sure—some country songs are silly. But others are deep and thoughtful and fun. It wasn’t until I started actually showing an interest in what my wife was interested in that I found it, well, interesting! If you’re finding yourself bored with your wife, begin to take interest in what she’s interested in. Spend some time listening to her favorite artist, watching her favorite show, or listening to that podcast she loves. You might be surprised how interesting it (and she) is!
2. You get consumed with work.
Many of us see work as a validation of our worth. So, the bulk of our attention is given to it. We check email off-hours, take that weekend phone call, and work long days. Then we come home to a wife who is exhausted—either from her own work schedule, parenting the kids, or both—and we don’t receive that same type of feedback. And since we give our attention to what makes us feel good, we pay more attention to work—and increasingly little—to our wives. If you’re finding yourself bored with your wife, begin to intentionally set boundaries around your work, and give her the kind of attention that creates that same positive feedback loop. Ask her about her day, and really listen. Spend time together making dinner or watching her favorite show. Spend some time cuddling on the couch. Whatever it is that makes your wife feel valued, do that. You might be surprised how your interest grows in the process.
3. You don’t prioritize time together.
Life can get full. Married life with kids can get downright crazy! Whether it’s tag-teaming pick-up and drop-off, dinner duty, or household chores, doing life together often looks a lot like dividing and conquering. The problem is that means a lot of time spent in different cars, rooms, or locations, managing kids’ schedules to the detriment of time together. If you’re finding yourself bored with your wife, it may simply be that you’re not spending enough quality time together. Make the effort to schedule a regular date night, or if that’s impossible (it has felt that way to my wife and me at various times in our marriage), prioritize an evening check-in. Getting the chance to connect about your day can strengthen the sense that you’re on the same team, which will increase your gratitude for, and interest in, your wife.
4. You spend lots of time in the digital world.
When you’ve got a few minutes of downtime before dinner or bed, what do you do? My guess is that you, like most of us, pull out your phone and check your fantasy team, the game score, social media, or the latest headlines of the day. Just do yourself a favor, and stop it. Stop instantaneously reaching for your phone when you’re bored and your wife is in the next room. If you’re bored with your wife, it just may be that you’re spending way too much time in the digital world and not enough time in the actual world, particularly in your home. Choose to be present with your wife, even when it takes effort. The work you put in will bear fruit in your life as you learn to value what is right in front of you. Your wife will feel valued, and will likely respond in kind.
5. You look at other women.
Do you catch yourself gazing at the woman down the hall? Are you scrolling Instagram lingering over the beach pictures of your neighbor’s wife on their trip to Puerto Rico? Or maybe it’s pornography. Whatever it is, all of this ends up making the flesh-and-blood woman you live with seem boring. Looking at other women in this way is destructive for your relationship and dehumanizing for everyone involved. But finding joy and contentment in your wife is a choice only you make. You can fan the flames of discontent to a destructive level or you can work to rekindle your love for the woman you’ve committed yourself to. Why not make a renewed commitment to romancing your wife? Schedule regular date nights. Drop the kids off at your parent’s house so you can have a night alone. If you’re bored with your wife, it doesn’t have to stay that way.
Sound off: What specific romantic action will you take this week to recommit to cherishing your wife?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What’s one thing we can do to better prioritize our relationship?”