In a marriage and family counseling class, my professor walked in holding a baby mobile. “Families work like this,” he said. “Each person has their place, their rhythm. Add someone new, (like a son-in-law), and things shift out of balance until the person finds their place.”
When you married your wife, you didn’t just gain a wife. You were added to her family system. Some in-law dynamics are more difficult than others and may require clearer boundaries and hard work. If that describes you, some of what is to follow may feel simple, but it won’t always be easy. But whether your in-law relationship has been smooth, rocky, or somewhere in between, knowing how to handle in-laws can be a challenge. Here are 8 ways to build something good.
1. Don’t blame your wife for her parents’ behavior.
It’s easy to get frustrated when your in-laws do something hurtful or confusing, and even easier to take it out on your wife. But she didn’t choose her parents. She’s not responsible for their choices. Address what needs addressing, but don’t make her the middleman for every frustration.
2. Don’t blame your in-laws for your wife’s behavior.
Yes, your in-laws helped shape your wife. But they aren’t pulling strings from behind the curtain. Your wife is a grown-up who owns her choices. Blaming her parents for every argument or personality quirk just creates distance where you need connection. And saying, “You’re just like your mother!” is Bad Husband 101.
3. Ask for their wisdom (even if you don’t think you need it).
In most cultures, age brings honor. In ours, it often brings eye rolls. But everyone wants to feel useful and heard. Ask their advice, even if you don’t take it. They may surprise you. And even if they don’t, they’ll feel seen, heard, and respected.
4. Give them a role in your life.
Dr. Sue Johnson said, “Today we ask our spouses for the emotional connection and sense of belonging that my grandmother could get from a whole village.” In-laws are part of that village. If they want time with the kids, great. If your father-in-law loves to fix things, let him. It builds connection. And maybe you get a date night out of it.
5. Keep your expectations in check.
If you expect your in-laws to show up early with gifts and great boundaries, but they arrive late with criticism and a casserole, that’s not on them. That’s on your expectations. Start with small hopes: polite conversation, no jabs, and a side-hug goodbye. When you expect less, you’re more likely to enjoy what they do bring to the table.
6. Be clear about time together.
Communication expert Jefferson Fisher says, “To avoid clarity is to create confusion.” Talk early about time together, holidays, weekends, and so forth. Don’t assume. Don’t drop hints. Be honest and specific. Your in-laws may not love your plans, but they’ll know where you stand. And that beats confusion and conflict every time. Learning how to handle in-laws often begins with clarity on the front end.
7. Choose the high road, even when it’s uphill.
You can’t control how your in-laws act, but you can control your response. Calm, clarity, and kindness are always a choice, even when it’s hard. Loving your person often looks like loving her people, even when that takes extra patience.
8. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
Most people are doing the best they can with the skills they have. If your father-in-law seems pushy, maybe he’s just excited to be involved. Try to meet him halfway. Generosity in how you view your in-laws’ behavior builds peace and perspective.
Sound off: What are your best tips for how to deal with in-laws if you want to have a great relationship?
Huddle up with your kid and ask: “What’s one way we can show love to Grandma or Grandpa this week?