8 Dos and Don’ts When Your Teen Is Having a Hard Time

Dash looked up at his dad from the breakfast table and asked, “Is she having adolescence?” He’d just seen his teenage sister yell at their dad and slam her bedroom door—twice—and the dad had no idea what to say. While this scene from Incredibles 2 was played for laughs, it hits close to home. Parents who are parenting a teenager often feel lost when their teenager is having a hard time.

Working with high school students on a weekly basis (and having three teenagers of my own) has taught me a few strategies for how to help them through hard times. Parenting a teenager often takes patient, deliberate work. Here are 8 dos and don’ts when you’re parenting a teenager who’s having a hard time.

1. Do hear them out before trying to solve the problem.

When men see a problem, we often kick into problem-solving mode. Many husbands learn how important it is to listen to their wives before offering a solution to a problem. Wives want to know they’ve been heard and their feelings acknowledged. Teens need the same thing. Even if you know what to do, let teens vent and express themselves before offering solutions to their problems. Teens also want to know they’ve been heard and had their feelings acknowledged.

2. Don’t give up on asking them how they are and how their day went.

Ask teens how their day was or how school was, and a dad is likely to get a mumbled “fine”—if they answer at all. When you feel like you’re talking to a wall, it can be tempting to give up. Don’t do that. Don’t stop asking how they are doing. Your persistence and consistency will remind them that you love them, no matter what they’re going through.

3. Do find ways to spend time with them.

When kids are little, they spend most of their time with their parents. As they get older and school, work, and social commitments fill their schedule, the time you spend together seems to disappear. Don’t let that happen. It doesn’t matter if you’re just eating breakfast, washing dishes, or finding something more meaningful to do together. Embrace moments to be with your teens so if they’re ready to talk, you’re right there and ready to listen.

4. Don’t overreact when they act out.

In the heat of the moment, teenagers can say mean things. They might talk about you behind your back. They could even lie to you. When these sorts of things happen, resist the urge to get big and loud. If your kid is yelling at you, respond calmly. If he’s broken a family rule, give him a fair consequence. When the moments come that you can’t do these things without overreacting, hold off on it until you’ve cooled down. In doing so, you model to your teen how to deal with difficult circumstances.

5. Do try to understand the world teens live in.

Many dads who are parenting a teenager right now were teenagers in a very different world from the one our kids live in today. Many of our teens feel the need to be constantly connected to their friends via their phones and social networking. They have the knowledge of the world’s libraries at their fingertips. As a dad, it’s important to try to understand the difference between the world you grew up in and the world they are living in today. This will help you understand some of the struggles they face on a daily basis.

6. Don’t pretend you understand every intricacy of youth culture today.

A dad can search up youth culture trends and learn a lot about the shows your teen is watching, the music they are listening to, and the things that shape their worldview. Simply reading (or listening to a podcast) about youth culture doesn’t make you an expert on the things they are living through. Ask your teens questions about the world they live in, and let them explain to you some of the innovations and dangers they’ve already discovered. Your humility in acknowledging that you don’t know it all will help them feel more comfortable sharing their own perceived weakness with you.

7. Do make sure there are other trusted adults in their lives.

While it’s natural to want to be the first person your teen goes to in a crisis, that’s not always going to be the case. Sometimes the problem teens have will be with their parents. Other times, they’ll be embarrassed to share it with you, for fear of letting you down. Encourage them to recognize the other trustworthy adults in their lives such as aunts, uncles, pastors, teachers, coaches, or bosses. Knowing there are several meaningful relationships they can lean on in a crisis will help your teens weather the storms they are bound to face.

8. Don’t let screens become a barrier between you.

Parents are often nervous about the amount of time teens spend in front of screens. But dads can also fight their own screen addiction. Make sure your kids’ memories of you during their teen years aren’t dominated by your phone. Imagine if they came to talk to you but instead of answering or even noticing them, you just scrolled on to the next thing on your phone. Make sure that during these critical years, you spend quality time together without your phones in hand. This will open doors for them to share whatever is really going on in their lives and give you the best chance of helping them through it all.

Sound off: What else should (or shouldn’t) you do when your teen is having a hard time?