5 Ways to Be a Better Partner in Marriage

Would you call your marriage a partnership? For many, that question gives us pause. After all, partners work toward the same end. If you think of partners in a firm, they all have a vested interest in the success of the firm, and so the ideal is that no one partner pursues his or her personal preferences at the expense of the firm. Instead, each person works for the well-being of the firm and, as a result, all the partners benefit. Is that how your marriage operates?

Sadly, many of us would say no. Far too often, marriage feels like a tug of war rather than a partnership. There’s enough mutual benefit that you stay together, but it hardly feels like you’re heading in the same direction. Certainly, it takes two people to partner well, but often one needs to take the lead. If you’re wondering how to be a better husband, here are 5 ways to be a better partner in marriage.

1. Listen more.

Husbands, we’re notoriously bad listeners. We’re inclined toward action. If something is wrong, we want to make it better. If something is broken, we want to fix it. However, sometimes we don’t do a very good job of listening to understand what she needs. Listening takes time. It also might reveal that something we are doing is actually unhelpful or even hurtful. Listening might challenge us to change.

But if you want to know how to be a better husband, listen like a partner. Listen actively. Ask questions to make sure you understand. Summarize what you’re hearing to make sure you are hearing her correctly. Getting on the same page takes some time, but it’s far better than thinking you’re aligned only to turn around one day to discover you’re miles apart.

2. Learn to say you’re sorry.

It’s hard to be wrong. First, none of us is ever wrong intentionally. We all think we’re right, and we do what we think is right. So when we hear someone—especially our wives—say that something we did was hurtful or selfish or mean, it’s easy to get defensive. Clearly, she just misunderstood. Obviously, you didn’t want to hurt her, so she should give you the benefit of the doubt, right?

But if you want to know how to be a better husband, apologize like a partner. If she’s hurt, something went wrong. At least in that moment, you weren’t working together toward the same end in a way that was mutually beneficial. Own your part, even if it’s a small piece, and say a heartfelt “I’m sorry I hurt you.” It’s OK to explain what your intent was afterward, but begin by making it clear that her pain matters to you. A little empathy goes a long way in building trust. And trust is essential in a partnership.

3. Get comfortable with conflict.

Sometimes we see the absence of conflict as the ideal. If we can just have agreement we think that’s evidence that we’re doing something right. And of course agreeing is great! However, sometimes we agree because we’d rather compromise something we think is important than engage in conflict. When we do this, we put our personal comfort over the well-being of our relationship.

But if you want to know how to be a better husband, learn to get comfortable with conflict. A partner engages in conflict not to wound the other or to win, but to make it more likely they’ll reach their desired destination. Because a partner is so invested in the success of the partnership, he’ll sacrifice the short-term comfort of agreement for the long-term well-being of the marriage.

4. Improve your self-image.

Often some of the most lopsided partnerships I’ve seen in marriage are when one (or both) of individuals struggles with their own self-image. Again, this can be counter-intuitive. But when you have a poor self-image, you’re much more likely to need your wife to validate you in order to feel OK. So you don’t engage with her for her good or the good of the marriage; instead, you try to get validation and approval from her that creates an unhealthy dynamic in which the marriage actually revolves around you.

If you want to know how to be a better husband, invest in your own self-image. If you’re able to take a joke or make a mistake or have your wife challenge your ideas without crumbling internally or flying off the handle, you are going to be much better suited to bring insight and perspective to challenging situations that can actually help you both move forward.

5. Do the hard chore.

All of us have certain roles we gravitate toward in our marriages. Maybe you handle the money or take the kids to school. Or perhaps you make dinner or take care of the yard work. Whatever it is, that’s great. But there are always those things that no one really wants to do. Maybe it’s the dishes or the laundry or the diapers. Whatever it is, you might often find ways to avoid these tasks, leaving them to your wife.

But if you want to know how to be a better husband, learn to partner in the mundane, annoying things. Look for opportunities to step into those places where neither of you is motivated. Volunteer to do the dishes. Fold the laundry before she wakes up. Not only does this score points with your wife, it also models the type of partnership you’re in. It’s not 50/50, but 100/100.

Sound off: What have you learned from experience or observation about how to be a better husband?