On the way to the flea market, my daughter, Ariel, shared an “incredible” job opportunity she had been offered by a vendor there. I was skeptical but listened to her excited pitch. Upon arrival, a middle-aged man seemed very happy to see her. He had offered her a spot in his small booth where she could make up to a hundred dollars a day shining shoes. I saw the naive excitement in her eyes and convinced her we should walk around and think about it. As we walked along, I asked her to count the shoes people wore that she could shine, but she saw none—people don’t get flip flops shined. That’s when I gave her some brutal honesty. It was clear to me this guy had ulterior motives for offering a shoe-shining job to a pretty, 18-year-old girl who’s never shined a shoe in her life. She didn’t take the job.
If we aren’t honest with our children, they’re either going to learn things the hard way (including following advice from their peers), or they’re going to wind up in situations they wouldn’t have been in if we had spoken up. Here are 3 times your kids need brutal honesty.
1. When They Have a Big Blind Spot
As our children transition into young adults, they are striving for independence. At times, they’ll think they have everything figured out. However, with our experience and knowledge, we see things that they don’t. It’s in their blind spot. They can’t know what they don’t know. That’s where we as parents have to share hard truths with them. Those hard truths might be telling your teenage daughter that her boyfriend seems controlling, or telling your son, who drives his friends everywhere, that you think his “friends” might just be using him for rides. They may roll their eyes and act like they don’t want to hear what we say, but I promise what we say matters more than you realize and could keep them from major regret.
2. When There’s Bad News to Share
We need to be brutally honest yet sensitive when we share bad news like a death in the family, or when the family vacation has to be postponed because of finances, or when their favorite aunt and uncle decide to separate. We can’t sugar coat tough subjects like we did when they were toddlers. As our children mature, they need to know you are being completely honest with them. Just recently, a friend of mine lost his oldest grandson to suicide. He shared this truth openly although it was not in great detail. We need to do the same with our children. It lets them know we believe they are mature enough to handle tough issues and gives them opportunities to work through their emotions with us at their sides and to ask us deep questions. It allows you to have grown-up conversations with them about adult issues.
3. When You’re Preparing Them for Adulthood
I vividly remember a discussion I had with my daughter when she was just old enough to move out on her own but still lived at home. After an intense discussion about her disrespectful behavior, she stated that she would just move out. She was surprised I wasn’t opposed to the idea. This led to a very honest discussion about the cost of paying rent (plus first, last, and deposit). We listed other costs, too, like the deposit for electricity, getting her own insurance, internet, and food. She quickly realized she couldn’t afford this with a minimum wage job, to which I responded, “That’s why you can’t afford not to listen to us.” Ariel needed to hear the brutal truth, and her attitude changed as she faced reality. When your kids need a reality check, give it to them. Your brutal honestly might just be a life lesson learned that teaches them something a classroom never could.
Sound off: What’s some brutal honesty you now wish somebody had given you when you were younger?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “If you could choose your ideal first job, where would you like to work?”