Don’t Raise Perfect Kids—Raise Good Ones

I was a much better parent before I had kids. Maybe you can relate. Prior to having kids, I knew all the right things parents ought to do. No screen time. Organic food. Structured nap and bed times. As we began having children, though, we were suddenly faced with the challenges associated with actually raising another human being who thinks for him or herself. As hard as we tried to raise the perfect kids, we failed every single time. Why? Because we aren’t perfect.

As obvious as that statement is, we struggled daily with anxiety around making just the right parenting decisions so we didn’t “mess up our kids.” Now, having four adult children, I can say our anxieties—and the anxieties of millions of parents—are often misplaced and even unnecessary. The real goal is not to raise perfect kids who idealize all our hopes and dreams for them, because that’s impossible (and, frankly, unhelpful). The real goal should be to set up our kids to be the kind of adults who are good. Here are 5 ways to emphasize good over perfect.

1. Focus on character over achievement.

Every dad wants his kid to win the championship. I did. I’m sure you do too. There’s nothing wrong with that. However, if winning, or getting an “A,” or getting a job with a big paycheck is the primary goal, then we’ll raise kids who believe the ends justify the means. How they get there won’t be as important as whether they do.

But if instead we’re focused on how to raise good kids, we’ll emphasize character over achievement. Whether they win or lose will become secondary to how they win or lose. Whether they get the “A” will be far less important than whether they developed the type of discipline that will serve them well over time. And in the end, whether they make a lot of money will be insignificant next to whether they are generous and compassionate.

2. Focus on courage over alignment.

We believe the things we believe because we think they are important and true. As a result, many of us struggle when our kids don’t share our values. We work hard to teach them what we believe and why and to help them hold those same values dear. Inevitably, however, as our kids grow, they will internalize some of our values and reject others. This can be the cause of great consternation.

However, if we’re focused on how to raise good kids, what we really want for them is not solely values alignment but the type of courage they need to stick with their values even when it’s difficult. Maya Angelou once said, “Courage is the most important of all the virtues because without courage you can’t practice any other virtue consistently.” Do we only cheer our kids on when they stand up for our values, or do we celebrate their courage, even when we disagree?

3. Focus on service over happiness.

We all want our kids to be happy. However, in focusing on our kids’ happiness we run the risk of inadvertently setting them on a course to be less happy than they otherwise could be. When we focus on our kids’ happiness, we’re often looking to satisfy their wants. In doing this, it’s easy to create children who believe happiness comes from getting what I want. The problem, of course, is that we know from our own experience this isn’t true. Our wants rarely satisfy us and the things we want often change over time.

However, if we’re focused on how to raise good kids, it may encourage us to know that MRI technology shows that giving to others activates the same parts of the brain as food and sex. In other words, serving others and giving generously is a scientifically proven path to happiness. Or, as Saint Francis of Assisi said, “It is in giving that we receive.”

4. Focus on curiosity over certainty.

We want our kids to know what’s true about life, faith, themselves and the world around them. That’s a good desire. However, we need to be careful not to confuse truth with certainty. Certainty says, “I know what is to be known and am unwilling to entertain other ideas.” There may be a few areas in life where certainty is good. But by and large, certainty can lead to arrogance. And arrogance leads to judgment.

But if our focus is on how to raise good kids, it may help you to think of the type of people that you enjoy being around. My guess is that if you closed your eyes and thought of someone whom you would describe as “certain they are right” and someone else whom you would describe as “curious and humble”, you’d choose to be around curious and humble every time. Do your kids a favor and encourage curiosity over certainty.

5. Focus on love over fear.

We want our kids to be safe, included, and liked. One of the easiest ways to do that is to leverage fear as a motivator. In subtle and not-so-subtle ways, we teach them to fear people who are different from them or to fear being different from their friends. We teach them to fear taking risks and to fear asking for help.

If we want to raise good kids, we need to choose love over fear. Certainly wisdom is important (a healthy fear of strangers or traffic for your toddlers might be a good thing), but in general, the world will be a better place, and our kids’ lives will be richer and more meaningful if the first question they ask isn’t “How do I avoid something bad?” but instead is “What does love require of me?”

Sound off: Why is it so tempting to choose perfect over good?