It was not one of my better moments. I was yelling, she was crying. She stormed up to her room, and my wife asked, “Do you think that was the best way to handle this?” In the heat of the moment, I’d reacted out of anger and, frankly, made the situation worse.
That’s the problem with anger. When we’re angry, our brain is triggered into a fight or flight response. We aren’t thinking rationally; we’re in survival mode. When that happens, it can go badly for us and even worse for the people around us. It’s unrealistic to say “don’t get angry” when you’re parenting teenagers. Since they also aren’t thinking rationally, they’re bound to do things that make us angry. So here are some choices to make when you’re angry at your teen to make sure you don’t make a bad situation worse.
Pause
Because of the fight or flight response mechanism, your first instinct when angry is to react. That’s why it’s so important to pause when dealing with anger and parenting. Pausing gives space for you to process what is actually happening and what might be the best way to proceed. It also may give the opportunity for your teen to finish the story so you understand more fully what has happened and why. Take a breath or two. Step away for a few minutes. You may need to say something like, “I’m feeling pretty angry right now, but I want to be able to talk through this with you. I’ll need a minute to process this.”
Ask questions.
It’s highly likely you won’t know all the details behind what happened. You just know your teen got drunk at the party or didn’t get home when you told him to, or you got a call from the teacher about an incident. Whatever it might be, with anger and parenting, there are often facts you are lacking. Ask questions. Get details. Perhaps you misunderstood. Maybe your teen misunderstood. You don’t know what you don’t know, and if you fill in the gaps yourself, you may jump to conclusions that at best are only partially accurate.
Talk to your wife (if you’re married).
It’s always helpful to get another perspective in a highly emotional situation. With anger and parenting, it’s a gift to be partnering with your wife. Take a step back to have a conversation with her. You’ll need to do this without your teen in the room so you can talk candidly. But she can offer a different angle. Maybe your perspective on this situation isn’t the best one. Perhaps there’s information you dismissed that’s worth considering. At the very least, processing with your wife gives you a chance to work through a reasonable, non-emotional, way to proceed.
Take a jog.
Sometimes pausing and talking just isn’t enough. With anger and parenting, the stakes can be high, so the emotions can run high as well. If you’re finding yourself particularly emotional, you may need to work some of this out physically. Take a jog. Go for a walk. Ride your bike. Chop wood. Do something physical to redirect your energy and allow you to work some of it out positively. This physical activity may also create the mental space you need to think more clearly so you can re-enter the conversation with a cooler, more rational perspective.
Pray.
Sometimes anger and parenting are tied together because anger masks a fear that we just don’t know how to do this and we’re terrified we’re going to get it wrong. Certainly prayer is no guarantee that you’ll make the right decision. But creating some space to connect with your Creator and ask for wisdom is crucial for navigating difficult situations. Not only does the act of prayer have positive and calming physiological effects, but connecting with God helps us grow our capacity to see situations and people as He sees them, increasing the likelihood that we’ll make wise and good decisions in difficult situations.
Sound off: What helps you when you’re angry with your teen?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What’s it like for you when I get angry?”