Some of us are missing an opportunity for joy in marriage—to rejoice with our spouses. I often see married people choosing the opposite. I see spouses responding to their spouse’s excitement with eyerolls, disinterest, or outright contempt. Some spouses can be killjoys. And the thing is, there aren’t many people who set out to be that way. No one stands at the altar on their wedding day promising to suck the life out of the person across from them. Even so, a few years down the road, a decade into marriage, and this ends up happening. We stop rejoicing when our spouses rejoice. Why would we do that?
I think it could be for a lot of different reasons. And asking ourselves why we find it hard to rejoice with our spouse may be a helpful exercise. But I do know this. Researcher and author Dr. Brené Brown has found that joy is the most vulnerable emotion. There is something about expressing joy that can sometimes make us feel even more exposed than expressing sadness. But knowing how much vulnerability it takes to rejoice alongside a person we love should give us hope. Imagine how much closer it could make you and your spouse if you allowed yourself to experience joy in marriage alongside her. Imagine what that might do for your relationship and the connection it could create. Here are 3 ways to rejoice with your spouse.
1. Don’t be a killjoy.
If you are a few years out of practice, it may take some time to warm up to the idea. But give it a chance. Start small. If your spouse gets excited about her college team playing football, don’t be a killjoy. Don’t comment on how much you hate football or how silly you think she is yelling at the TV. Put on a jersey and yell with her. If she loves Christmas decorations a little too much, don’t be a killjoy. Smile, notice, and enjoy decorations with her. Surprise her with matching ugly Christmas sweaters.
2. Celebrate together often.
If she gets a promotion at work, celebrate with gifs. Your phone is full of celebratory gifs that will take you five seconds to text to your spouse. Take full advantage. Nancie and I believe gifs and memes are the sixth love language that everyone should speak. (Except our children—they think sending memes makes us dorks. That’s OK; we think a lot of the things they do makes them dorks.)
3. Embrace the ups and downs.
Marriage has enough tough stuff. Life can get serious. Have some serious fun and celebrate with your spouse. It’s essential. As I stated in my book Your Best US, one of the best ways to protect your marriage is to enjoy it. Because when you don’t celebrate with your spouse, or when you belittle or ignore her, it hurts her and your marriage. So why wouldn’t you celebrate?
Sound off: How do you try to stay joyful when life throws you curveballs?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What do you think is the most important thing to remember when you’re sad?”