2 Marriage Habits That Lead to Connection

“Your marital habits either lead to the connection or the disconnection of your relationship.”

How does that sentence sit with you? For many of us, it leaves us feeling discouraged. We have other habits we have tried to change and have been unsuccessful. Think about your New Year’s resolutions that didn’t pan out, like exercising, eating healthier, or staying organized. Building new habits and sticking with them can be hard.

In marriage, it’s especially tricky. Researcher and author Charles Duhigg says our habits become more flexible when we are emotional. Marriage at its very core is emotional. Marriage habits evoke emotion; we just have to learn how to leverage those emotions, even create those emotions, to help us connect instead of disconnect. It all starts with habits. Here are 2 marriage habits that lead to connection.

1. Embracing Small Acts of Kindness

Strides in marriage don’t typically happen with a big explosion of growth. In my own marriage, it has been slow growth. But I will say small acts of kindness have been remarkable for our relationship almost from the moment we first tried them. And stopping the bad marriage habits has impacted our relationship even more quickly.

Here are a few small acts of kindness that are easy to do in marriage.

• When you decide to laugh off something trivial instead of picking a fight
• When you choose to be tender when you want to be harsh
• When you thank your spouse for providing for the family
• When you pick up the kids at school even when it’s not your turn
• When you pause in the morning to pray for your spouse

Doing small acts of kindness as often as opportunities arise will strengthen your relationship. It’s like doing many low-weight reps over long periods of time. The result will be a leaner, healthier you, which should grow into a happier, stronger marriage.

2. Being Spontaneous

For almost every couple, a spontaneous moment of laughter, gentleness, respect, affirmation, and/or sexual connection can often trigger a great day for your marriage, even in the toughest of situations. And we can choose to create those moments in our marriage.

The majority of everyday interactions we have with our spouses are unplanned.

How many times has something like this happened to you:

• Your wife calls you 10 minutes after leaving the house. A tire is flat. Go change her tire for her, and if she’s not in a hurry, stop to pick up her favorite smoothie on the way.
• You were trying to have a moment to yourselves, but your toddler just flushed a toy down the toilet. Don’t let it stress you. Hunt for the plunger together.
• Your friends canceled on you last minute for a double date you’d been planning. Pivot to an impromptu solo date instead, and reconnect with your wife.

Don’t get set in your plans. Being organized is good. Practicing spontaneity can be great. It’s a habit that can bond us as a couples. When we practice great marriage habits, we get moments of awesome. When we practice poor habits in our marriages, we get moments of awful. Embracing better habits leads to better marriages.

Sound off: How can you begin to embrace small acts of kindness in your marriage?