In 2024, the U.S. Surgeon General issued a public health warning for parents, saying, “As technological and economic forces have reshaped the world at a dizzying pace, it has also become harder for parents to prepare children for a future that is difficult to understand or predict.” Did you catch that? The Surgeon General found enough challenges facing modern-day parents that he felt he needed to issue guidance in the form of a public health warning. You know how you’ve always thought it was so much harder to parent nowadays? You’re probably right.
Obviously, it’s difficult to compare one generation to the next. You weren’t in your parents’ shoes, and so you can’t say unequivocally that it’s harder to parent now than it was yesterday. However, I would argue that the pressures facing parents are more complex than those of the generation that came before us. Yes, parenting is harder. Here are 5 ways I see that to be true and how we can begin to respond.
1. Providing for your family is more expensive.
In the past 30-40 years, salaries and purchasing power have increased significantly in the U.S. However, they have not kept up with the rising cost of home ownership (and rental prices for that matter), higher education, or the price of owning a car. Add to that the cost of sourcing each of your family members with a cell phone, the fees for youth sports (especially travel teams), and the overall expectations of what is normal (vacations, electronics, and so forth), and the financial pressures become very real, very quickly. Why is parenting so much harder now? It really does cost more.
What can we do about it? Two words: simplicity and contentment. This isn’t easy, but neither is it impossible. You can say, “Just spend less money,” but that’s nearly impossible if we don’t learn to desire different things. Spending time as a family practicing gratitude and simplicity are core practices in helping to free yourself from the financial pressures that are so ubiquitous. Look for opportunities to share with your kids how grateful you are for what you have. Choose to enjoy time together doing free or inexpensive activities (movie or game nights at home, library visits, hikes, and more). Make thrifting for clothing a game to see who can snag the best finds and then share your haul with one another. Do things together to serve people who are under-resourced and marginalized, such as visiting the elderly in a county nursing home or taking meals to a shut-in. Creating meaningful family experiences like these will help shape how your kids see themselves as fortunate.
2. You both want to be involved.
The old stereotype of the mom being in charge of the kids while the dad just loses himself in his work or in front of the TV is increasingly antiquated. The fact is, both moms and dads are spending much more time with their children now than they were a few decades ago. This is great! At the same time, when you combine the desire of both parents to be involved with the increase in kids’ activities, it can feel like you’re both running around all the time.
What can we do about it? Well, for one, we can limit the number of activities our kids participate in. For my family, my wife and I only allowed one extracurricular activity per season. This created margin for us to actually be present with our kids rather than functioning primarily as their chauffeur. Additionally, we can work to be present in those moments when we’re driving from one place to the next or grabbing a quick bite to eat. Set phones aside, turn the music down, and tune into your kids, even if it’s just for five minutes. There’s no one right way to do it, but I would suggest the wrong way is simply saying yes to every activity out of fear your kid will miss out. No one can do everything. That’s a good lesson for all of us to learn.
3. It’s a culture of comparison.
Never before have we had so much access to what everyone else is doing at all times. This can put a lot of pressure on your kid and you. We obviously know of the challenges social media creates for our kids. But it’s also a problem for parents. Now you get to see your coworker’s pictures of all the amazing trips he takes his kids on, which you can’t afford. You read your neighbor’s touching anecdotes about how his son is his best friend, while yours hardly talks to you. And of course, your brother-in-law posts about the joy that radiates from his daughter while yours battles anxiety. Why is parenting so much harder now? We’re constantly comparing ourselves to others.
What can we do about it? We can moderate our social media usage. Spending extensive time on social media offers few benefits and many challenges. Secondly, we can pay attention to what we’re giving our attention to. There’s this great line in C.S. Lewis’ book, The Horse and His Boy (from The Chronicles of Narnia). In it, a child was asking Aslan about another child, and Aslan replied, “I never tell anyone a story other than their own.” The fact is, you don’t know anyone else’s story fully. You don’t know the pain behind the picture or the struggle behind the story. You only know yours. Stop spending your time focusing on others’ stories and instead focus on living your own.
4. We’re disconnected from support systems.
Ironically, we’ve never been more connected and yet we’re increasingly isolated. According to a Pew Research survey, approximately 1 in 5 Americans live far from family. In 1981, a Gallup poll reported that some 20% of Americans felt lonely. By 2020, it had increased to 36%. Add to this the decline in trust in social institutions and religious gatherings, and we are increasingly doing this parenting thing alone. Childcare is often someone you pay to watch your kids rather than a family member, which can add significant financial pressure and reduce the likelihood that you’ll spend time with others who can support you. Why is parenting so much harder now? We’re disconnected.
What can we do about it? We need to prioritize social relationships. Depending on your wiring, that may sound like a drink of cool water or a polar bear plunge into the icy depths. But either way, it’s important. This can take many forms: inviting a couple over for dinner, joining a parenting group at your church, asking an older couple to mentor you, or deciding with your wife to give each other a night out with friends each month. Whatever it is, building your support network is critical.
5. There are increasing concerns around kids’ mental health.
According to the CDC, nearly 1 in 5 kids ages 3-17 have been diagnosed with some mental, emotional, or behavioral health issue. And you do not feel equipped to handle it. Add to that the parental guilt that often boils to the surface: “Why does my kid struggle so much more than others? Am I doing something wrong? What’s the matter with me?” This can feel overwhelming and terrifying. It can also be confusing, as clinical terms like “anxious” or “depressed” get used ubiquitously in ways that aren’t precise. Why is parenting so much harder now? Mental health issues are a growing concern.
What can we do about it? To begin, talk with your kids. Ask questions. Check in on them. Be present and curious. Secondly, educate yourself. For all the shortcomings of the internet, it’s easy to find solid information if you do a little homework. Reach out to mental health experts, school counselors, or your pediatrician. You have options that take some work, but the payoff is worth it. Finally, remember that your child’s mental health is not a referendum on your parenting. Your child needing to see a therapist doesn’t make you a bad parent. But being curious and supportive enough to do whatever you can to get your child the help he or she needs does make you a good one.
Sound off: Do you agree that parenting is harder now than it was for your parents? Why or why not?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are ways that I could be a better parent?”