I have a theory that Star Wars was really the story of a well-intentioned dad of a teen. Hear me out. There’s this great line in A New Hope (the original film that is also somehow the fourth film in the series) when General Tarkin is trying to get the secret location of the rebel base from Princess Leia. Leia says to him, “The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.” Of course, he doesn’t listen and instead tries to control the rebellion through violence. The result is the growth of the rebellion and the ultimate overthrow of the Empire. By attempting to increase control, the Empire in fact loses it.
Sound familiar? If you have teens, you’ve likely encountered that very moment (minus the intergalactic intrigue). You recognized your teen was making bad decisions, or maybe just had the potential to, and you responded by trying to clamp down. Which probably didn’t go so well. It’s really easy to default to trying to control your teen, but it can lead to all sorts of bad outcomes. Here are 5 ways trying to control your teen can backfire.
1. You stunt their development.
One of the critical aspects of teenage development is learning to make decisions. In order to do that, they need to, um, make decisions. If we make all the decisions for them, even though we intend to protect them, we can end up raising people who simply can’t (or won’t) choose. Instead, they spin in anxiety, feeling like they can’t choose anything if they don’t choose the perfect thing. Of course, the reality is they need to make choices and make mistakes so that they can learn and grow. Certainly, you want to do all you can to help them not make life-altering mistakes, but the occasional swing and miss from your teen can actually be really helpful for them. Sometimes what seems to be teenage rebellion is really a desire to make choices for themselves. When possible, give them the freedom to choose, even if they choose poorly.
2. You encourage rebellion.
A teen is developmentally wired to differentiate. The tighter you grip, the harder she has to push away to create some space to discover who she is. Or, to paraphrase Leia, the more she will slip through your fingers. If she has no ability to be her own person through the clothes she wears, the music she listens to, or the activities she chooses, then she will either have to simply allow you to make all the decisions for her (see point #1) or push you away. This doesn’t mean she should get to do anything she wants, but do what you can to engage her in conversation around your values.
Spend time talking about the “why” and not just the “what.” For example, you want her to take care of herself, so getting adequate sleep is important. However, can you give her input on setting her curfew? Perhaps you can even give her opportunities to extend curfew occasionally if she’s getting good sleep otherwise. Certainly, conversation doesn’t guarantee compliance, but if you can manage to agree on the “why,” maybe there can be flexibility around how that gets worked out that enables some freedom to choose the what.
3. You miss out on connection.
Of course, sometimes you actually can control your teen. Perhaps you’re an intimidating enough fellow, or your teen is an agreeable person, so he just does what you say, even if he has other ideas. The problem is, teenage rebellion isn’t the only potentially negative outcome. The lack of connection with your teen is just as bad. If you demand obedience rather than inviting conversation, you may get the behavioral outcomes you want, but miss out on the relationship. The result can be that while you raise a “good kid,” you also raise a detached one who feels like he can’t be himself around you because all you want him to be is you. You need to be your teen’s parent first, not his friend. But you can both parent your teen and thoroughly enjoy him for who he is. For that to be the case, though, you’re going to need to let him become his own person.
4. You miss what’s most important.
If your goal is to raise the model teen, you will focus on the wrong things. You might focus on their performance in school or on the field, or maybe even on how polite and obedient they are. You’ll spend all your time creating the teen you want instead of learning to know and love the teen you have. Instead, spend less time dreaming about your teen’s future and more time listening to his interests. Maybe he doesn’t want to be a quarterback, but he excels at Model UN and is a leader in a youth group. Perhaps he isn’t college-bound, but he’s willing to work hard and cares well for other people.
Whatever your dream is for him, being a “model teen” isn’t the point. The point is you have a real, live human being you are raising, who isn’t you, but whom you have the opportunity to encourage, direct, and empower to become all he was uniquely designed to be. What’s most important is not raising the perfect teen, but raising your actual teen.
5. You’ll stress everyone out.
Often, in our desire to make sure our teen is staying on track, we can unintentionally create a stressful environment for everyone. Your goal is to keep her safe and help her succeed, but she experiences it as suffocating and stress-inducing. Maybe it’s the way you look over her shoulder whenever she’s on her phone or how you monitor the music she listens to. Perhaps it’s the fact that you regularly email her teacher with questions about assignments or express disappointment when she gets a B. You might think, “I just want her to do her best!” or “I’m just trying to keep her safe!” but you’re creating an environment in which she’s anxious and constantly concerned with whether she’s making a mistake or disappointing you.
Sometimes, teen rebellion is about a need to get relief from the stress we’re placing on them. Practice finding things your teen is doing well and encourage her. Make a habit of looking for appropriate opportunities to trust her to make decisions within certain guardrails. For example, maybe instead of always looking over her shoulder or asking her what she’s looking at on her phone, you put time limits on cell phone usage or tell her she can’t have it in her room with the door closed. Your teen needs boundaries for sure. But try to make them broad enough so that she has some room to breathe.
Sound off: How have you learned to connect with your teen when you’re tempted to control him?
Huddle up with your wife and ask: “How can we focus on connection over control?”