I hated asking my wife, Nancie, for anything because I always felt like she didn’t want to do it. This is how it’d go: I’d start off super sweet and friendly with my request, but then I’d get mad if she said no. I’d ask again—and it’d come out sounding weirder and probably not as sweet. She’d still say no, and pretty soon, we were in an argument. For help resolving these conflicts, my counselor advised me to ask my wife, “What bothers you most about me?” When I did, the answer surprised me. My wife said she thought I was being manipulative by the way I’d ask for a favor. I told her I interpreted her “no” as selfishness. And we’d go around and around. My counselor explained that my thing and her thing were chasing each other.
Arguing in this way can be challenging for your marriage. But when we figure out the negative chase in our relationships, it can help us work through the problem and get to the root of it. Here are the 5 steps to resolving conflict in your marriage.
1. Be ready to hear something hard.
It was hard to hear Nancie say I was being manipulative, but I needed to hear how she felt. And she was right. I’d ask for a favor in a way that would make it difficult for her to say no because… I didn’t want her to say no. So, I’d be as sweet (and yeah, as weird) as possible. She thought this was manipulation on my part, when really, I just didn’t want to hear a hard no. Our problem showed up this way: The perception of manipulation and the perception of selfishness were chasing each other around and around. All the emotion between us just increased the negative chase that we found ourselves getting into.
I think every couple needs to ask each other this question because it reveals the conflict cycle in your marriage. Try asking your spouse tonight what bothers her most about you. When you do this, hearing the answer isn’t going to be fun. She’s going to tell you something you don’t want to hear. But that’s the point. It’s going to help you both clear up any miscommunication and get past the assumptions you have about each other. You need to know her answer. And remember, it’s worth it because you’re asking this question to ultimately stop your conflicts.
2. Resist the urge to defend yourself.
Inevitably, when Nancie and I were in the thick of our argument, she’d respond with frustration. I’d get defensive. These two things started chasing each other, and our emotions just grew. But then I remembered my counselor’s wise advice about what was likely happening in this heated moment, and I took a deep, calming breath. The instant I closed my mouth and just listened, it tripped up the negative chase. It stopped it from spinning, so we could resolve this conflict in our marriage.
Whether it’s being defensive, manipulative, selfish, or something else, these temporary labels end up chasing each other, making things between you and your wife more heated and more problematic. The way you break out of the chase is that you realize the labels are wrong. When your wife answers, don’t justify yourself, explain, or say, “Well, you do this thing too.” Just listen. I know it’s hard, and you probably have perfectly good reasons for doing whatever it is she says you do. But it doesn’t matter right now. The goal here is to shift from defense to curiosity.
3. Remember: This is not the time for action.
A lot of times, guys like to be problem-solvers. But often, our wives don’t want to hear a solution; they want to be heard. Listened to. In my marital conflicts with Nancie, when I’d finish my defensive blah, blah, blah, I’d move into fix-it mode. That’s when Nancie would really shut down. But when I took the stance of listening rather than fixing, it showed that I valued what she had to say and how she felt. Essentially, it showed Nancie I cared more about her than about being right.
Do your best to just listen and not leap into action. Believe me, I know it seems counterintuitive. But you’re not trying to solve anything right now. You’re gathering information. Check your understanding by saying things like, “When you say this, I’m hearing this. Is that what you mean?” It’s the best way to resolve the conflict in your marriage. And it demonstrates that you’re invested in the relationship and not just winning the argument.
4. Listen for the pattern, not just the complaint.
Don’t be discouraged if this conflict cycle pops up again a few days later. Often, it’s a pattern in relationships, and it’ll take time to create new ways of handling arguments. Nancie and I were stuck in the same cycle because we were both used to triggering each other’s frustration. The next time an argument pops up in your own marriage, stop and ask yourself if this is the beginning of another cycle. Try to identify what’s really happening before tension escalates. Once it’s all out on the table, you can address the pattern, not just the complaint.
Arguing in this way is a common dynamic in many marriages. But you can both work to improve your relationship by identifying it and clarifying what you’re both really feeling. Look beyond your wife’s complaint and ask yourself: How does what I do trigger what she does? How does what she does trigger what I do? Can you see it? All the chasing in circles? If you can understand the pattern, it will help you identify concrete ways to change your behavior and resolve any conflict that arises in your marriage.
Sound off: How would your life be better if tonight you use these steps to resolve conflict in your marriage?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What’s the one thing about me that bothers you the most?”