Do you remember the ’80s movie Three Men and a Baby? There’s this scene where Tom Selleck’s character is reading an issue of Sports Illustrated to a baby. As he calmly reads about a brutal boxing match, Steve Gutenberg’s character walks into the room and asks, “What are you reading to her?” His response is something like, “It doesn’t matter what you read; she doesn’t understand the words anyway. It’s the tone you use.” He was partially right. Tone means more to a baby. But words do matter… And that idea is an important one in parenting, especially with difficult children.
Parenting is difficult in general, but parenting a difficult child–one who is disagreeable or stubborn, one who takes every ounce of your patience–is next-level challenging. But if you can remember that connection involves much more than obedience, it can help you build meaningful relationships that can take you through the most challenging years. Here are 5 ways to connect when you’re parenting a difficult child.
1. Consider your tone.
As the scene from Three Men and a Baby reminds us, your tone can make all the difference. Even with older kids, how they feel about the interaction with you can be more important than what you think about it. According to one study, when parents communicate in negative or dismissive tones, a child is more likely to experience serious emotional problems as he or she gets older, such as low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. Of course, the challenge here is that when parenting a difficult child, you often feel like you have to get harsh to get their attention. But getting harsh can actually exacerbate the situation, setting off a power struggle.
Instead, the key is being firm while also staying calm. This isn’t always easy. Like many things, you (and your wife) have to commit to your approach in advance to have a chance of being consistent. But it’s critical that children know the boundaries are firm (“No, you cannot hit your brother”) and they believe you are safe (through a calm tone).
2. Make eye contact.
When your child is being challenging, sometimes bending a knee and looking eye to eye can de-escalate a difficult situation. Eye contact is essential to connection. When you look a child in the eyes, you reinforce a bond. It communicates safety and connection. Furthermore, studies show that eye contact with your child stimulates affection and a positive response from the parent. So not only does making eye contact help your child, it helps you too! When parenting a difficult child, remember that eye contact is essential.
3. Pay attention.
It’s a cliché, but also true, that often bad behavior is a cry for attention. Recently, my son and daughter-in-law were with us, and we were really enjoying the visit. About midway through their time with us, however, we noticed that we were getting really frustrated with our four and two-year-olds (our kids’ ages range from 2 to 24). Every time we started a conversation, they would throw something, start screaming, or get into something they weren’t supposed to. It didn’t take us long to figure out they just wanted our attention. Once we stopped yelling at them and started engaging with them, things went much smoother. And this isn’t just true for young kids; it’s true for teenagers too. Even when they don’t realize they’re doing it, teens will often act out more when they feel their parents aren’t paying attention to them.
When parenting a difficult child, look for ways to give positive attention. Take time to go on a walk or a drive with your teen. Ask her a question about her favorite new band. Share a bowl of ice cream. Don’t overcomplicate it. Just work to connect.
4. Give them a hand.
Appropriate physical touch can be incredibly beneficial in relating to your child. Touch fosters connection and bonding. It can reassure and calm a difficult child who is intent on acting out. In fact, positive touch, in particular hugging, triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone associated with trust, safety, and love. Because of this, positive touch when parenting a difficult child can be a game-changer. Again, this works both ways. Touching your child elicits a positive physiological response from you as well. And when both of you are feeling more connected, the interaction is more likely to go well.
5. Slow down.
Sometimes we’re in too much of a hurry to really listen to our child and what he or she needs from us in the moment. Slowing down and choosing to be patient creates space to pay attention to what’s really happening. This is both for your child and for you. Your child needs you to slow down because he doesn’t process or move as quickly as you do. Whether it’s putting on his shoes, finishing his meal, or going to bed, sometimes he just needs more time.
You also need to slow down because, if you don’t choose to on your own, your difficult child will require it of you, and that will make you frustrated. And this will make you far less effective at parenting him or her well. Choosing to slow down will, instead, create an environment where there’s actually time for connection to occur.
Sound off: What are other ways you’ve found to connect with your difficult child?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What is our strategy for connecting with our difficult child?”