“We just don’t have anything in common anymore.” That comment from my friend hung heavy between us as we walked along the park trail. He felt like he was at a loss for how to move forward with his wife. They’d raised kids together and built a life that seemed idyllic from the outside. But the truth was, they just didn’t connect anymore. Their lives were basically about their kids. Once you moved beyond that, there was very little that drew them to each other. In fact, staying connected was just hard.
Sadly, this is not an uncommon scenario. For many people, the obvious decision in this moment is divorce. After all, why work so hard at a relationship that lacks chemistry? Isn’t life too short to spend it with someone whom you have to work hard to connect with? But I would argue the opposite. Some things are not only worth working hard at, but putting in the work can be a catalyst for personal growth. While it’s certainly great to wake up every morning head over heels in love with the woman you’re lying beside, it’s also OK if fostering connection takes work. In fact, here are 3 marriage traits more important than chemistry.
1. Commitment
Marriage is fundamentally about making a covenant–or a commitment–to work for the good of another in a way that makes her the best version of herself (which, consequently, makes you the best version of yourself). That might sound like a tall order. That’s because it is. There’s a reason why every great story has a hero who is willing to sacrifice, even give his life, for the sake of the people he loves. Something in us knows that true love is different than what you find in most pop music. True love requires a willingness to sacrifice for someone else’s good. It requires a commitment to another in a way that’s costly.
Of course, that sounds romantic until you have to do it, then it’s just hard. But what valuable thing isn’t? Nothing of value is easy. So why would we expect marriage to be? But to be committed to your wife means to choose to keep working for her good, to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. And what’s remarkable is that often you find that your commitment to your wife deepens her commitment to you. And while it doesn’t sound sexy, it’s a sure-fire way to stoke passion in your relationship. Few marriage traits are as attractive as commitment. It’s more important than chemistry, in part because it fosters it.
2. Forgiveness
One of the things that surprised me when I got married was how easy it was for my wife and me to hurt each other completely unintentionally. Oftentimes, one of us would end up wounded without the other person even knowing it. I think part of why this is true is that marriage requires vulnerability, which means you’re much more exposed to potential hurt from a harsh word, a poor choice, or something left unsaid. This is why marriage traits like forgiveness are more important than chemistry.
A couple committed to forgiving one another and keeping short accounts is a couple who can thrive. Forgiveness frees you from bitterness and resentment, and there are few things as beneficial to a relationship as receiving and giving forgiveness regularly. Forgiveness is a gift you give to your wife and yourself. To quote Lewis Smedes, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” And though forgiveness is more important than chemistry, it’s also a shortcut to building it.
3. Humility
You know what’s incredibly unattractive? Arrogance. Have you ever been in an argument with your wife and been sure you were right? I remember one time my wife and I were on the porch together, discussing a topic we disagreed on. I somewhat condescendingly explained why her perspective was silly. She said, “And this is why I don’t ever talk with you about this.” My arrogance communicated to my wife that I was not a safe person to be honest with. Why on earth would she be vulnerable with me when I might take that opportunity to take a shot at her?
If you want a marriage that thrives, learn to let go of being right. That doesn’t mean you simply roll over and let your wife get everything she wants, but it does mean learning to walk with humility and recognizing that sometimes there are more than just two answers to a problem. The answer may be something neither of you had considered. Choosing humility is about valuing your wife more than getting your way. It’s choosing to listen, holding your tongue, and leaning in when you want to speak. And because doing that isn’t always easy, humility becomes another marriage trait that brings you closer together.
Sound off: What marriage traits do you find more important than chemistry?
Huddle up with your wife and ask: “What traits of our marriage do you most appreciate?”