For years, I thought that if my wife, Nancie, would just change a few things about herself, our marriage problems would vanish. Then a counselor helped me see the truth: The problem wasn’t Nancie; it was something broken inside of me. And I needed to resolve my own issues to prevent problems from growing in our marriage. But the thing is, after more than 20 years of studying marriage research and helping other couples, I’ve realized that the problems my wife and I have faced aren’t unique.
Many couples struggle, and sometimes, like me, people think they have marriage problems when really, it’s the baggage one or both people have brought to the relationship. Realizing this and working to overcome the problems you may have faced (or continue to face) in your life can be a huge step toward improving your marriage. Here are 5 individual problems disguised as marriage problems, along with what you can do about them.
1. “Communication issues” could actually be your anxiety.
Do you ever feel like you and your spouse just can’t communicate? You can’t get on the same page, and every conversation ends in an argument? Let me tell you—I get it. What could be causing some of these communication problems is your anxiety. You see, when you’re anxious, you sometimes interpret things others say in a way that they didn’t intend. You read meaning into another person’s tone that isn’t there. Anxiety can cloud things. The issue isn’t that you can’t communicate. It’s that your anxiety is creating stories about what your spouse means—and those stories aren’t true.
It might be time to start working on your anxiety. Figure out why you feel stressed and use some coping strategies to work on lowering it. Maybe that’s heading out for a jog, eating better, or getting more sleep. When you deal with your anxiety, the “communication problems” often start to disappear.
2. “Having standards” could actually be a control issue.
We all have situations in which we think, “This is how it’s done.” For example: loading the dishwasher a certain way, putting the garage tools all in the right place, and leaving shoes by the door. I’m sure I’m not the only one who likes things a certain way. But the truth is, there are precious few things that can be done only one way. This means we should have precious few opinions about how things MUST be done.
If you feel the desire to make your spouse more like you and do things as you do them, you probably have control issues, not just standards. It’s possible that you might be trying to control things at home because you feel out of control in other aspects of your life. Maybe there was something from your childhood that made you feel out of control. Maybe you had problems in school, like bullying, or there was a certain amount of pressure to achieve. Now, as an adult, you have a need to control a situation because, as a kid, you couldn’t. Everyone has standards, but if you find yourself getting worked up because your spouse isn’t doing something “the right way,” stop and ask yourself: Is this actually important? Let your highest standard be centered around how you love your wife.
3. “My spouse’s fault” could actually be your childhood wounds.
Growing up, I was told daily that something was wrong with me. I believed it. Even after seeing a counselor off and on for many years and being a naturally introspective person, there are moments in my life today when I still feel inadequate. And you know what? When that lie gets triggered, I don’t respond well. I get defensive. Shut down. Blame my wife, Nancie.
Because of certain childhood wounds, as adults, we may blame our spouse for things they’re not actually doing. Let me give you an example: I might perceive my wife as critical of me when she’s really not—what she said just triggered the negative feeling of inadequacy I unfortunately developed in childhood. While she only said, “Hey, Ted, can you put the forks facing upward instead?” I might hear, “You never do anything right.” But I’m hearing the wrong thing and blaming Nancie for something she didn’t do. Sometimes our childhood wounds make us perceive our spouses as critical, disrespectful, or unloving. But when you understand what those wounds are, you can stop blaming your spouse and making her pay for what happened to you when you were a kid. And you can start the healing process.
4. “Being too emotional” could actually be a fear of vulnerability.
For many of us guys, the big messy emotions in marriage feel uncomfortable, so we shove them away and wonder why our wives can’t do the same. Just stuff it, forget it, deny it, and get rid of it. We bottle up our emotions, thinking it’s the right thing to do—the only thing to do. Telling the other how you feel is a risk you don’t want to take. And then, when your wife gets emotional, your go-to response is, “You need to calm down.” But never in the history of marriage has that been a good call.
Even if you think your wife is being too emotional, understand she’s simply looking for empathy. Give it to her by being present. And instead of blaming her for being emotional, try seeing those big feelings as an invitation to connect. Take this lesson to heart yourself: When you open up about your feelings and what’s been on your mind, you invite trust into your relationship. And because of trust, couples automatically draw closer to each other. Sure, it’s a little risky (and even scary) to show your real emotions—sadness, fear, hope—but when you do, the emotional connection with your wife grows. When you allow your wife to be vulnerable, and you’re vulnerable with her, it becomes superglue for your marriage.
5. “Needing space” could actually be unresolved grief.
I lost a few people close to me in recent years, and Nancie was amazing at letting me grieve. But my grief made me distant. It made me serious. And even though I still helped create some moments of awesomeness, for the most part, I wasn’t 100 percent for several years.
We all need space to deal with grief, but we can’t let “needing space” become our default. Grief requires more. We have to seek wisdom and let others in…especially our person. Let your wife into your grief as much as you can, in the ways you can. Even if it’s just saying, “Hey, if I seem down, it’s not you. It’s that I’m really still struggling with losing my mom.” It can change everything. It’s good for both of you. It’s good for your marriage.
Sound off: Which one of these hits home as a possible individual problem disguised as a marriage problem?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “Is there something I do that feels like I’m blaming you for my own stuff? I really want to know.”