“I just don’t know what to do,” I said to my wife as we lay in bed together. I felt defeated. Just before bedtime, I’d attempted to get my son to help me clean up the living room. He flat out refused. I threatened. No response. I pleaded. Nothing. I yelled. He didn’t budge. After way too long of alternating between threats and yelling (and sometimes yelling threats), he slowly started to pick up his toys, but then he did so very slowly. I wanted to throw a toy through the window.
Have you been there? Few things can get you fired up like a strong-willed child. If you’re not careful, everything you hope to be as a dad can quickly get tossed out the window when that child gets on your very last nerve. So what do you do? Well, for starters, you can stop focusing on what you want from your child and start focusing on what your child needs from you. Here are 3 things a strong-willed child needs from his dad.
1. Calm
It’s really easy to allow yourself to get amped up when your child won’t listen. You get angry, and the natural response is to raise your voice or attempt to intimidate the little guy. Of course, this is the exact opposite of what your child needs in the moment. What he needs is for you to regulate your emotions. He’ll match what you bring to the table. If you get fired up, your son will too. But if you meet his stubbornness with calm, you might be surprised how quickly it defuses the situation.
How to parent a strong-willed child: Begin by calming yourself. Take a breath. Say a prayer. Walk away for a moment if you can. Speak slowly. One of the most helpful ways to respond calmly is to prepare yourself in advance by thinking through how you want to respond in the moment when your child does something he or she shouldn’t. Being prepared decreases the likelihood that you’ll respond emotionally.
2. Consistency
Oftentimes, strong-willed children push boundaries to see how far they can get. If you’re not a particularly disciplined or consistent person, you can create confusion around where the boundaries are. If last night you were feeling good, so you ended up wrestling with your son until after bedtime, but tonight you’re tired, so you’re angry that he wants to stay up late and play, the problem might be as much or more about your inconsistency as his stubbornness. All kids need consistency, but strong-willed kids need it more. For the child, consistency creates a sense of safety. However, Dr. Kate Aubrey makes the point that consistency is also critical for the well-being of the parent of the strong-willed child. The consistent parent has to stand strong in the beginning, but the consistency reduces the friction over time as the child “gets the point…that you have won over and over.”
How to parent a strong-willed child: Work at being consistent. Try to create expectations that don’t fluctuate based on how you’re feeling. Once you have clear boundaries, you can enjoy some variety within them. Consistency doesn’t always mean “sameness;” it just means you develop patterns that allow your child to predict the outcomes of his actions. For example, you may set a rule that says you will repeat yourself only once, and afterward, there’s a consequence. It’s not specific to any singular situation. It just clarifies that your expectations of his response don’t change based on your mood.
3. Choice
Oftentimes, working with a strong-willed child can become a wrestling match. It all comes down to who is stronger-willed: you or him. But what if you could relieve the mounting pressure by simply offering your child a choice? Instead of demanding he eat his broccoli, you could give him the choice of broccoli or peas. Instead of ordering him to clean up all the toys now, you ask if he wants to clean up the cars or the stuffed animals first. Sometimes offering agency can be the key to unlocking action.
How to parent a strong-willed child: Try to offer him a choice that directs him where you want him to go. Obviously, you don’t want to offer him a choice that you think is bad for him. For example, you wouldn’t want to give him the option of either holding your hand to cross the street or walking beside you without holding hands. However, you could offer two safe choices, knowing that he’ll likely want one over the other. For example: “You can hold my hand as we walk, or I’ll hold you and I’ll walk.” The key is giving him a real choice that enables him to have agency, but moves him in a particular direction. And by real choice, I mean you have to be OK with whichever choice he makes and allow him to make it.
Sound off: What else do you think your strong-willed child needs from his dad?
For a deeper discussion about understanding your kids’ temperament, check out this All Pro Dad podcast episode.
Huddle up with your wife and ask: “What’s one way we can change how we respond to our strong-willed child?”