How to Help a Child Who Feels Left Out

A friend and co-worker of mine has spent his career helping families love well, and the guy has a brain full of research. But you know what he researches the most? His kids. He shared with me that his son was struggling to connect with other kids, and despite his and his wife’s best efforts, their son just couldn’t catch a break. He showed me a picture of the three of them: his wife’s arms wrapped around their son, his own shoulder tucked in right behind, and their son right there in the middle of a great parenting sandwich. He said, emotionally, that he just wanted to help, and so far hadn’t been able to.

I thought, but you have. What he and his wife can’t see yet is that this season will become one more memory for their son to look back on and say, “My parents were always there for me.” Even if you’re not married, or you and your spouse don’t see eye to eye on parenting, that same kind of steady presence matters no matter what your family looks like. So let’s talk about how to help a child who feels left out. Here are 7 ways, but the sixth one might be the one parents struggle with most.

1. Stay in the know.

We don’t need to hover over every recess or group text, but we should probably know more than we think. Who does your child sit with at lunch? Who did they used to sit with? What changed? Ask specific questions instead of general ones. “How was your day?” will probably get you a shrug and/or a one-word answer. “Who’d you talk to at recess?” might give you a facial expression and a story. But don’t push too hard for details, or your kid might shut down. The goal isn’t surveillance; it’s staying close enough that you catch a slight shift instead of waiting until it turns into something bigger.

2. Look for opportunities.

Left-out kids often need a fresh start more than a fixed problem. A big part of how to help a child who feels left out is looking for those fresh starts, whether that’s a new activity where the social slate is clean, inviting a potential friend over to your house where they feel more confident, or simply widening the circle beyond whichever group has iced them out. You’re not trying to force a friendship. You’re trying to open a door your child might not have the confidence to open themselves.

3. Be affectionate.

At our house, we have what I call a BEEG hug. My sons would describe it as the wrestling move right before the slam to the mat. My daughters, well, they get more than they bargain for too. But I want them to know through a BEEG hug that I love them BEEG. When a kid feels rejected by kids, they need their dad. All of him. A hand on the shoulder, a hug before school, sitting close on the couch. None of it solves the friendship problem, but these gestures remind your child that they are wanted by you, even on the days they don’t feel wanted by anyone else.

4. Find ways to laugh.

Go ahead, act like an idiot when your kid’s world feels stupid. Laughter is one of the few things that can lighten heavy things without dismissing it. So dance the dance they wish you wouldn’t to their favorite song. Sure, it will ruin the song for them. But I bet they won’t be thinking about being left out. I bet they will be thinking about why you should be. But seriously, you’re not trying to distract your child from their pain. You’re reminding them that joy is still available, even in a hard season.

5. Be a great friend.

When my daughter was being left out in high school, my wife said, “Until this friend thing gets worked out, we are going to be her friends.” And we were. I even watched rom-coms. If you have any questions about Notting Hill, please ask me in the comments below. Being your kid’s friend doesn’t mean you stop being their parent; it means showing up in small, ordinary ways. Sit next to them on the couch. Ask what they want to do, and do it. Let them talk, or not talk, without turning it into a lesson. It matters because when your child feels like they’ve lost their people, you get to remind them they haven’t lost you.

6. Don’t be Mr. Fix It.

I get it. Every dad instinct wants to march over and solve it. Text the other parent. Engineer a playdate. Show up at school and have a word with somebody. But swooping in to fix the social problem can rob your child of the chance to build their own resilience, and it can also mortify them in front of the exact kids they’re trying to win back. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is the hardest thing: nothing. Let them figure out some of this on their own, with you standing close by instead of standing in the front.

7. Don’t minimize it.

“It’s not a big deal.” “You’ll make new friends.” “This won’t matter in a year.” All of it might be true. None of it will feel good. To your kid, this is a big deal, maybe the biggest deal in their world right now. When you minimize it, even with good intentions, you’re telling them their feelings are wrong. That will eventually make them stop telling you things. Let it be as big as it feels to them. You don’t have to agree with the size of it to respect it.

There’s hope in the waiting.

I wish I could tell you these seven things work like a formula: Do them right and the sting of being left out disappears. You already know it doesn’t work that way. Your kid may still come home sad next week, or the week after that. That’s not a sign you’re failing. It’s a sign you’re parenting a child through something hard, and hard things take time, no matter how many parenting sandwiches you make.

If you’re still learning how to help a child who feels left out, know that your steady presence is already doing more than you think. When your child feels left out, there is nothing better than knowing their dad is all in.

Sound off: What’s one thing that’s helped your kid when they felt left out?