When it came time to redesign our master bedroom, I wisely handed my wife the keys to the project. She has a great eye for design, probably from all those years of watching HGTV reruns. Even on our tight budget, she somehow found the right paint, bedding, and décor to make the room feel inviting. But the thing that catches my eye most often these days is not the fancy area rug. It’s the framed artwork above our bed. The words of 1 Corinthians 13 hang there, and they’ve become both beautiful and convicting for me.
You’ve probably heard these words recited at weddings, even if you didn’t realize they were Scripture. The reason I find 1 Corinthians 13, also known as the “love chapter,” so convicting is because it’s a list of things I often fail to be. Not just with my wife, but with all people. As C.S. Lewis wrote in The Four Loves, “To love at all is to be vulnerable.” Want me to show some vulnerability right now? Well, here goes: I’m hard to love sometimes. If you’re being honest, you probably are too. We should want to make it easier for people to love us, not harder. To do this, we need to know what behaviors are pushing people away. Here are 7 choices that probably make you hard to love.
1. Impatience
I think we’ve all seen the person who can’t wait to get off the airplane. As soon as that seat belt light turns off, he sprints down the aisle before everyone stands up, hoping to save a few precious minutes by cutting ahead in the line. Does anyone love that guy? No. When we are impatient, we signal that our personal timeline is king. We come first. Our needs are superior. That sort of thinking makes us hard to love because it’s not inviting. It ignores others. It creates a hierarchy where you are always on top. Impatience is the stiff arm that repels others.
Instead of being so impatient, slow down your life. Consider others’ needs and points of view. Those matter as much as yours.
2. Unkindness
If you had a boss who only ever had negative things to say, how long would you want to work for that person? Unkind words (and actions) push people away. Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” An unkind word feels like sandpaper on your skin.
There’s a reason the Golden Rule is posted on kindergarten classroom walls. From a very early age, we teach kids that treating others the way we want to be treated draws people in. Want to be loved? Stop saying and doing unkind things, even if you feel like it’s justified. Start saying kind words to your secretary, your spouse, or your neighbor. Start being the type of person others look forward to seeing because your reputation for kindness precedes you.
3. Jealousy
If I play golf with a buddy and he shoots 72 and I shoot 85, what good is it to be jealous? He didn’t make me hit bad shots. I did that on my own. Yet so many of us get jealous over things like this, ignoring how jealousy will eat away at us from the inside. Acting jealous around others will make them feel guilty for their success. That makes you hard to love.
Jealous people only think about themselves, but start looking at things from a different angle. Instead of being jealous of your friend’s promotion, try to be happy that their hard work was recognized. If you’re jealous of your neighbor’s perfect lawn, consider the time he’s dedicated to making it pristine. Jealousy often leads to bitterness, which works its way out by making our words and actions harsh.
4. Pride
Pride makes life all about you. It gets you so consumed with yourself that it leaves you very little time to think about, much less acknowledge or praise, others. When people get around you, they’ll feel like you’re just waiting for a moment to steer the conversation back to yourself.
You become easier to love when you live out the words of Philippians 2:3: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” The antidote for pride is humility, and we mature in humility when we look to the needs of others. Start asking neighbors if they need help with yard work. Take care of some chores without looking for praise.
5. Arrogance
Arrogance says, “Look at me. Aren’t I amazing?” Shamefully, I’m guilty of this. In a former life, I was a TV reporter. I knew I was good at my job and, if you worked with me, you probably knew I felt that way. I don’t like that I sometimes spoke arrogantly then, but it’s something I can look back upon and learn from.
I try to “season my words with salt” like Colossians 4:6 advises. That means I had to speak with humility and quit elevating myself above others. To be arrogant is to be unintentionally belittling, at best, and purposefully hurtful, at worst. It’s hard to love someone who thinks they’re better than you. Avoid this fate by looking for and praising others’ accomplishments often. Be cognizant of when you talk too much about yourself. Aim for humility in all circumstances.
6. Selfishness
When my wife and I mentored engaged couples, we told them to go into marriage with a “What can I do for you today?” attitude. I’d tell husbands to make sure to ask her about her day, rub her shoulders, or look for chores to do without needing to be asked. This service-minded approach usually shortcuts selfishness in marriage. We can’t control others, but we always control our own actions. Living selfishly communicates that our preferences trump others’. That’s love-repellant.
Reject selfishness and start looking for ways to serve. That draws people in. If this is a hard thing for you, start asking people you’re around, “What can I do for you today?” Learning to be less selfish starts with learning how to be more vulnerable.
7. Anger
Anger is like a fire. When controlled, as in a fire pit, it’s great—beautiful even. I’d argue there are plenty of times we should be angry, like when we see injustice. But anger that is out of control is like a blaze in the woods. It’s destructive and dangerous. When you’re angry all the time, people notice and run for cover. They won’t want to get burned.
Instead, pursue peace. Jesus, during the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5, says, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” When there’s peace, everyone lets their guard down. When peace is present, love is present. Replace your unrighteous anger with peace, and love will follow. When your wife says something harsh, bite your tongue and fight the urge to snap back. If your child screams, be patient and dig down to find the underlying issue. Peace will follow.
Sound off: What habits have you formed that need to change?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “How long do you think it takes to form a habit?”