Rewind with me to 15 years ago. At the time, I had a 10-year-old, a 7-year-old, a 5-year-old, and a very taxing job. I loved my kids and even the craziness of work, but some days it all felt like too much. That’s fatherhood stress, the kind that builds quietly between loving your family deeply and feeling like you’re running on empty. I dealt with that stress by beating myself up. “Why can’t you just be thankful?” “Why can’t you get more organized?” “Why can’t you stop worrying and just enjoy the moment?” The more I beat myself up, the more stressed I became.
Every day was not hard, and that almost made it more confusing. Many days were full and fun. I loved hearing my kids’ wild stories, driving the minivan to games and birthday parties, and being packed in with my favorite people on the planet. Some moments were pure sweetness. I was confused why I could handle the stress of some days better than others. And I didn’t want my kids not knowing how I would respond. So after 15 years of counseling, research, and trial and error, I’ve learned that 5 habits consistently help us dads handle stress. The best part? Experts agree on these too.
1. Breathe: No, this specific way.
Yes, you are reading that correctly. Breathe. I wish I could go back and tell my 15-years-younger but 15-times-more-stressed-out self, “Hey buddy, breathe with me.” My counselor explained that I do a lot of shallow breathing. She explained that just a few breaths can do wonders in calming the nervous system. Then she taught me a breathing technique called box breathing, which means inhaling for four seconds, holding for four, exhaling for four, and holding for four.
Research from Harvard Medical School shows that slow, controlled breathing lowers cortisol, the stress hormone, and helps regulate heart rate variability, which is tied to resilience and emotional control. This is not about becoming a yoga master (no slams on yoga masters; I’m jealous of their calm), but it’s about having a tool you can use anywhere: in the carpool line, before a tough meeting, or when your kids are driving you crazy.
2. Exercise: Even on days when you would rather be run over by a bus.
Don’t hit me. I, like you, don’t want this to be one of the answers to anxiety either, but unfortunately, it is. And I get it. When you are tired and stressed, the last thing you want to do is exercise. But even a 10-minute walk can improve mood and reduce anxiety. A study published in Health Psychology found that people who did light physical activity were significantly less stressed for hours afterward. Exercise does more than burn calories. It burns stress. It triggers endorphins, the feel-good chemicals, and over time can rewire your brain to be less anxious, according to the Mayo Clinic.
You don’t need a gym membership or hours of free time. Walk the dog. Shoot hoops in the driveway. Race your kid to the mailbox. Every bit counts.
3. Find your crew.
When you are anxious and stressed, you probably don’t think, “I should go hang out and be social.” I understand that sounds almost silly. But one of the biggest lies stress tells us is that we should isolate. Connection is not optional. It is essential. Research shows that loneliness greatly increases the risk of anxiety and depression.
On the flip side, simply talking to someone who understands you can lower stress immediately. For me, that’s my wife and three other couples we hang out with once a week. We eat snacks for dinner like junior high kids and just spend time together. Each week, my wife and I both leave better than when we arrived. On tough, stressed-out weeks, this time matters even more. It’s not magic, but it matters. It makes me feel like everything is going to be OK. That I’m OK.
4. Eat something your doctor would approve of.
Nothing tests my self-control to refrain from junk food more than being stressed. Mega convenience stores whisper to me to let them fix all my problems with lots of salt and sugar, perfectly packaged in exciting bold colors, and then chased down by a 55-gallon barrel of Vanilla/Cherry Coke Zero. And for a few glorious moments, it does just that. But then, blah. Unfortunately, I mean truly unfortunately, sugary, processed foods spike blood sugar, which makes stress and anxiety worse. A study in Nutritional Neuroscience found that diets high in refined sugar were linked to increased anxiety and depression. I hate that study so much. I wish it were a lie. And I wish this next sentence weren’t true: Foods rich in omega-3s, like salmon or walnuts, along with complex carbs and leafy greens, fuel your body and stabilize your mood.
For me, not letting myself get hungry with no plan is the number one way I stay off the junk. When I have a plan to eat healthy, I do pretty well. But if I’m home alone with no blueberries, protein shakes, hummus, grilled chicken, and, unfortunately, good-for-me food like that, I may grab that bottle of chocolate syrup and eat it by the spoonful. Guys, we have to eat like our mental health depends on it, because it does.
5. Sleep like it really matters…because it really does.
I had no clue how important this was until I learned the hard way. I had a period of a few months of really struggling to get to sleep, and I count those as some of the toughest months of my mental health life. Now, I’m out by 10 if at all possible. Yes, I get made fun of by those same friends who are good for my mental health. I love them, but I don’t care. Nothing wrecks my mental health faster than poor sleep. The American Psychological Association reports that 21 percent of adults who get less than 8 hours of sleep report feeling more stressed. Men who sleep fewer than six hours a night are 60 percent more likely to feel anxious or depressed.
I used to treat sleep like a luxury. Now I treat it like it is a job. A well-rested dad is a more patient dad, a more fun dad, and a more resilient dad.
Final Thoughts
Dads, the pressure is not going away. The schedules, bills, homework, and unexpected curveballs are not slowing down. But our stress and anxiety don’t have to define us.
Fifteen years ago, I thought I had to muscle my way through stress and anxiety. Today, I know better. These five habits—breathing, exercising, connecting, eating well, and sleeping—do not erase stress, but they equip us to face it with strength, clarity, and even joy.
And the best part? When you take care of yourself, you are not just helping yourself; you are helping the people in that minivan you love most.
Sound off: Which of these five habits helps you the most when you’re stressed, and which one do you need to work on?
Huddle up with your kid and ask: “When things are tough, what’s something you do that makes you feel better?”