James has a lot of friends, but he needs more actual male friendship. He’s one of those guys people refer to as a man’s man: athletic, Navy pilot, good-looking, rugged, smart, outdoorsman. Guys want James on the softball team. He’s the go-to dad for campfire stories at Scouts. He’s always surrounded by men when he fires up his grill or opens the cooler on his deck.
But James put a different spin on things when he showed up at a training event for potential small group leaders at his church. “I want to learn how to build intentional community with other dads my age,” he said. “Because guys don’t know how to be friends.” James understands that backslapping, sports stories, work anecdotes, and fist bumps often mask a need for deeper relationships in which trust is built, fear is unmasked, and men learn to invest in one another. The ideal of the “strong, silent, self-sufficient” man is a broken, dysfunctional, failed idea. To the extent that we put it to rest, we will be better equipped as dads, as husbands, as grandparents, and as friends. Bottom line: We need other men who know us and love us anyway. Here are 5 ways to build meaningful male friendships.
1. Join a guys’ group.
A friend of mine wanted to make new friends, so when he heard about a group of men from his office who played euchre once a month, he asked to join. Another guy I know really likes to exercise by taking long bike rides, but got sick of doing them alone. So he joined a cycling group in his town and has connected with a couple of other dads his age. Many faith communities also offer small groups where men can find a safe, confidential place to be honest, let their guard down, ask hard questions, share stories, receive encouragement, and get to know one another. It just takes a little initiative on your part to find the right group for you.
2. Get involved in volunteer work.
Doing something positive with other guys often leads to real friendships. That might be in scouting, in coaching, at food banks—any place where serving others is the common ground. You don’t have to make it a second job either. Just a few hours a month could put you in proximity with like-minded people. Think about what organizations you’re already involved in as a parent, and see if your kid’s sports team needs a volunteer photographer, an extra set of eyes on the field, or a chaperone for the next away game. Schools also look for parents to volunteer their time at concerts by selling tickets or passing out programs. The more you make yourself visible to other dads going through the same life stage as you, the more likely you’ll be seen as an approachable, friendly face. Volunteering works that way. When the focus turns away from small talk, posturing, and sports stories around the cooler, real friendships can break out.
3. Look for a mentor.
If you’re part of a larger organization, such as a church, synagogue, or even a corporation, step out of your comfort zone and ask a man you look up to or admire for help or advice. Meet over breakfast or lunch. Tell him you want to pick his brain about parenting, work, faith, or marriage. Be open to inviting him to become your mentor.
4. Look for a mentee.
Likewise, put yourself in the position of helping a younger or less-experienced man along. Maybe you’ve seen a guy eating alone at his desk during lunch. Why not invite him to grab a bite with you? Or perhaps you’ve noticed a man who always shows up alone at church. It’s not always easy to approach someone you don’t know, but more often than not, both of you will be glad you did. In the language of faith, it’s the principle that in order to be a disciple, you should also disciple someone yourself. Be a mentor and a mentee. Invest yourself in other guys.
5. Be intentional.
Have you seen that other dad with his kids at T-ball practice? You’ve nodded at one another, but haven’t yet spoken. Maybe this week, you can head over to where he’s sitting and strike up a conversation. You’re in the same experience together, why not share it for a few minutes in conversation? Don’t wait for friendships to appear out of thin air. We were designed to experience community, learn from one another, and encourage one another. If you want more close friends in your life, you need to make the effort to seek out others. Decide before you go somewhere that you’re going to step out of your comfort zone and approach someone new. Follow through, even when you don’t really want to. When you cast a wide net, you’re bound to eventually meet others with whom you have things in common and truly enjoy.
Sound off: What is the most challenging part of building male friendships for you?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What does it take to be a good friend?”