I recently typed “parenting teens is…” in the search bar on Safari. The results auto-populated as follows: “hard,” “exhausting,” “so hard.” Parenting teens isn’t for the faint of heart. Whether it’s the natural desire for teens to differentiate themselves from you, the changing cultural trends that you struggle to understand, let alone keep up with, or the overall pace of life teens keep today, it is not easy to be a parent of teens.
But the objectively difficult work of parenting teens is made even harder because of the false stories we tell ourselves. There are lies we tend to believe that leave us thinking the best we can do is survive the teenage years and hope our kids do too. But what if those stories are wrong? Here are 7 things we get wrong about parenting teens.
1. There’s one right way to do it.
Look, I think you should read books and articles about parenting teens (thank you for reading this one), but what you shouldn’t do is assume that some author somewhere has a formula for you so that you can raise teens who turn out to be model citizens and think you’re their hero. There’s no “one way” to parent. You are unique. So is your teen. The combination of two unique people will undoubtedly give birth to a unique parent-child relationship. This is beautiful and good, but also hard. So learn all you can from as many sources as you can, but in the end, love your teen deeply and give yourself lots of grace. You’ll need it.
2. Your teen’s choices are a reflection of your parenting.
Certainly, having good parents matters a lot. But it doesn’t guarantee anything. I’ve sat with remarkable parents who were brokenhearted over teens who ran away from home, battled addiction, or even took their own lives. Yet, they had other teenagers in their family who were “model” youth who loved their parents deeply and couldn’t understand why their siblings responded the way they did. Your job is to love your teens and do all you can to point them in the right direction. You can’t, and shouldn’t, control them. This is why parenting teens is not for the faint of heart. Your teen’s choices are not a reflection of your parenting.
3. It shouldn’t be this hard.
Think of something worth doing. Maybe it’s running a marathon, losing weight, or getting your Ph.D. What do all of those things have in common? They are hard. If they weren’t, everyone would do them. Almost everything worth doing is hard. Giving birth is the perfect metaphor for this. One of the most difficult things a person can do is also necessary for life itself. Of course, stewarding the life of another person as that person learns what it means to be himself is hard. But you’re up for the challenge.
4. Teens are mindless adapters.
I think it’s easy to believe teens are simply mindless adapters, uncritically engaging with whatever the culture says is “cool” in the moment. However, many teens are showing a willingness to make what seem like radically countercultural choices. For example, observers of culture have noted a growing number of teens and young adults opting for “dumb phones” and digital cameras to step away from the ever-present smartphone. Additionally, despite its prevalence in our culture, both drinking and sexual activity appear to be at historic lows for teens. While it’s certainly a complex picture, there is hope that parenting teens toward countercultural choices may not be a lost cause.
5. Teens are resilient.
This phrase gets thrown around a lot. But the fact is that teens aren’t automatically resilient. However, every teen has the capacity to build resilience. The difference here is one of intention. You can’t rest on the idea that your teen can handle the bullying or the breakup or the stress she’s experiencing just because she’s young and intelligent. She needs you to walk with her, listen well, and encourage her so that she can become the kind of person who is resilient.
6. Agreeable teens are best.
Agreeable teens are definitely the easiest. But that may not be what you want in the long run. It turns out that, according to research, kids who are willing to argue with their parents are also more willing to argue with their peers when they try to influence them. So what makes life easier at home may not be what’s best “out in the world.” If parenting teens feels like one battle after another right now, take heart. These battles are preparing him for the real fight he has outside your home.
7. Teens hate their parents.
Between arguing with you constantly, hiding out in their room, and the eye rolls, it’s easy to think your teen can’t stand you. While of course there are times when both of you might need a break from one another, a recent survey showed that 89% of teens actually think highly of their dads and over 75% enjoy spending time with them. So don’t lose heart when your teen seems like he hates you. It’s more than likely just the opposite.
Sound off: What other narratives about parenting teens have you found to be false?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What can we do to connect more with our teen?”