My Top 10 Regrets From Raising My Kids

Our biological kids are in their early 20s. In fact, now that I’m in my late 40s, my wife and I are soon going to have the joy of becoming grandparents. In short, we’ve been at this parenting thing for a while. What that means is that I have lots of incredible, beautiful memories of parenting my kids when they were younger. I also have lots of regrets. Of course, regrets aren’t always helpful, but they can be instructive.

I try not to sit in my regrets, but I do try to let them teach me, both so I can offer advice to my own son as he raises his kids (if he asks) and to shape how I might engage my children now that they are adults. Here are my top 10 regrets from raising my kids; consider it advice for new dads.

1. Not Playing More

When our kids were young, it was easy to spend more time keeping them busy than playing with them. Distracting them so I could get “more important” things done was my priority. If I were to give advice for new dads now, I’d say play with your kids daily. It’s good for them in a myriad of ways, and it strengthens your bond with each other.

2. Not Reading More

I often found myself speed-reading a book to my kids, or skipping it altogether, just to get them in bed so that I could get other things done. I don’t remember what those other things were. But I do remember the times I slowed down and read to my kids. So do they. Read to your children daily. It’s great for their development and great for both of you relationally.

3. Not Dating Their Mom

We didn’t have the time or money to go on dates regularly when our kids were young. But this took a toll on our relationship. Remember, your relationship with your wife preceded that with your kids. And long after your kids leave the house (hopefully), you’ll still have each other. Invest in one another now. You can find inexpensive ways to date their mom. The key is to do it.

4. Not Having a Hobby

Who has time for hobbies? Not me as a young dad. But that also meant I didn’t have one to share with my kids as they grew. I looked around and saw dads taking their kids skiing, golfing, or bike riding, and thought, “I wish I had time for that.” But really, no one does. Some people choose to make that time, and that makes a difference. Be that dad. Find something that brings you joy and then do it with your kids.

5. Not Making Them Help Me

As a young dad, I rarely had my kids help me do things around the house, whether that was tightening a loose doorknob, cleaning the toilets, or changing the oil on the car; they just made it take longer. The problem, of course, was that as they grew, they didn’t know how to do some basic things like wash dishes, vacuum, and mow the lawn. Sometimes it will be a battle, but you should make your kids help you when possible. Not only will they learn life skills, but you’ll likely make some great memories along the way.

6. Not Saying Hard Things

It can be tempting for dads to pull punches. You want your kids to like you. Or at least, I did. I wanted badly to be the “fun dad,” so I often avoided saying hard things. However, your kids need you to be clear, not cool. They need to hear when their behavior is inappropriate and or when they’re being disrespectful. They need to know that “if you want a friend, you need to be a friend.” All of this can be done respectfully, privately, and even gently. Saying hard things is not the same as getting angry. In fact, sometimes saying the difficult thing early enough can prevent you from losing your cool.

7. Not Taking More Walks

Taking walks takes time. I rarely took my kids on walks when they were young because that seemed pointless. But occasionally I would, and the results were remarkable. Drawn-out time together led to conversations, bonding, increased energy, and spontaneous fun. Find time to take walks with your kids. You can take them before bedtime to help them burn off a little energy, or on the weekend when they want to explore. The walks don’t have to be long, but their effects will be long-lasting.

8. Not Visiting My Dad

My parents lived about six hours away from me when my kids were young. Traveling with young kids is hard, so I rarely made the effort. We’d see my mom and dad two or three times a year. It was a hassle, so I just didn’t prioritize it. Then my dad passed away at age 63. All of a sudden, the relationship I had taken for granted was gone, and my kids no longer had a chance to know my father. My advice for new dads is not to put off important relationships because they are inconvenient. Make time for the people who matter–to you and your kids.

9. Not taking more vacations.

Neither my wife nor I grew up in families that went on vacation, so early on in our parenting journey, we didn’t either. Then one year, a friend offered us their house in the Outer Banks for a week. After a low-key week together, I looked at my wife and said, “This is why people go on vacation.” From that point on, we made vacationing a priority. We found that taking time away from the chaos of normal life created lasting memories with our kids. Vacations don’t have to be expensive (we’ve done lots of tent camping in state parks), but multiple days with you and your kids in a different environment can be transformative.

10. Not Forcing Them to Listen to My Music

Music while driving with young kids is often a tool to keep the peace. So when I was a young parent, the soundtrack was often songs to keep my kids happy. But later, as they got older, I realized that much of the music I so appreciated was foreign to them. While many of my parents’ values were passed on to me through their music—and hearing that music now has a way of making me feel connected to my parents—my kids know very little about the music I care about. If you’re a dad, make your kids listen to your music with you, at least sometimes. Who knows? Maybe connecting with the music that moves you will deepen their sense of connection with you too.

Sound off: What would you give as advice for new dads?