“Our country has never been more divided.” Have you ever muttered these words or something similar? I’m not sure how true they are. After all, we did have a literal Civil War during which family members were willing to kill one another. That said, I get the sentiment. Nearly everywhere you look, people are screaming at each other, and we’re being told that one side is Nazis while the other side is Marxists.
How does someone learn to be so intolerant of people with whom they disagree? Well, it’s easier than you think. Here are 5 ways to raise an intolerant adult.
1. Teach him to be afraid.
When we’re afraid, our brains go into fight-or-flight mode. We become laser-focused on survival. The only way to make it out alive is to defeat the perceived enemy. Given that, it’s no surprise that when we’re afraid of someone, it’s nearly impossible to be open to their ideas or even disagree respectfully. After all, openness is vulnerability. And if someone is a threat, being vulnerable is risky. So when we teach our kids to be afraid of other people, we’re actually reducing their capacity for empathy and understanding. They go into arguments looking to defeat their perceived enemy, not to understand him.
So how can we begin to push against the gravitational force of fear? Look for opportunities for you and your teen to serve people with whom you disagree or just don’t understand. It’s hard to be afraid of someone you’re actively trying to love. Can you bake cookies for those neighbors with the annoying yard signs, or serve with an organization that helps people from different cultures or countries? Small steps toward loving people who are different from you can go a long way toward reducing fear in your teen and you.
2. Talk about groups of people in dehumanizing ways.
When you dehumanize people, you remove their dignity. You treat them like animals, or perhaps worse. This makes it easy to dismiss them and their ideas. When your child hears you talk about groups of people in ways that make them seem “less than,” why should he care what they think any more than he cares what your dog thinks?
So how do we guard against this? First of all, be honest with yourself about how you talk about people you disagree with. If your child spoke in public about a teacher or a friend using the words you use for those you don’t see eye to eye with, would you be proud or embarrassed? Ask your teen (or your wife) for honest feedback and even invite him to call you on it if you slip and say something intolerant of others.
3. Allow him to spend a lot of time online.
While there are certainly aspects of social media that can foster tolerance, spending long hours online in isolation tends to do the opposite. Our kids (and we) gravitate toward echo chambers that simply reinforce what we already believe is true. Unfortunately, those spaces can quickly become rife with exaggerations and downright lies about those who hold different opinions. This feeds the tendency to dismiss and even dehumanize those who disagree with us, creating a deep intolerance of others.
So what’s the remedy to the intolerance-breeding ground of social media? For one, be aware of your teen’s social media activity–the groups he’s in, the people he follows, and what posts he likes. Second, get him off the phone and into an in-person activity. Real-life interactions can foster empathy, understanding, and tolerance as he engages with different people, especially those with whom he disagrees. Consider youth sports, a youth group, or serving with a nonprofit as easy and powerful ways to help him meet different types of people.
4. Shelter him.
It’s tempting to think the best way to take care of your teen is to make sure she doesn’t interact with “those people.” After all, if she’s always around people who think like you, then it’s more likely that she will too. However, it also creates a sense of distance between her and people who aren’t like her. This makes it difficult to empathize—or even be kind—when someone makes a different choice than you would. You assume everyone thinks like you, so obviously, they just don’t care about what is right. It’s nearly impossible to disagree respectfully with “those people.”
So how do you avoid sheltering your teen? Introduce her to different people and cultures. Take her on trips. Read books together and watch documentaries about people and places far away. Do everything you can to broaden her perspective so that she can grow in tolerance and understanding. This will take work and intention on your part, but it’s a critical step in moving towards tolerance.
5. Emphasize control.
According to Dr. Ilene Cohen, “[H]ate is frequently tied to issues of power or control.” And I believe this is because control and fear are linked together. For many of us, when we feel we are losing control, it creates fear, which leads to defensiveness and a fight-or-flight mentality, making enemies of anyone who disrupts the status quo. So, if we teach our kids that the way to feel safe in an environment is to control it, then any lack of control will initiate fear and intolerance.
So how do we help our kids avoid trying to control outcomes or others? Teach them to see that the only thing they can control is themselves. Don’t emphasize the need for a particular outcome as much as the need for them to become a particular type of person in the world–one who has empathy and understanding, speaks truth, but does so in love, and can disagree respectfully.
Sound off: What are other common ways we raise intolerant adults who aren’t able to disagree respectfully?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What’s the best way to respond to someone who disagrees with you about something you care deeply about?”