“Here we go again,” I thought. I’d walked into the room and could tell we were about to have an argument. We’d been here many times before. She was quiet and withdrawn. She answered my questions, but didn’t offer anything else. When I finally said, “Hey, what’s wrong?” she told me what I did to hurt her or make her feel alone or like we’re on different teams.
For a long time, my marriage was very combative. We didn’t yell much, but we did feel like we were always at odds, wanting different things and feeling like we had to argue with each other to get what we wanted or even needed. It wasn’t until I changed my perspective that things began to change. I shifted from asking, “What do I want my marriage to look like?” to “How do I connect with my wife?” That subtle shift was the key pivot for us. If you need help with how to strengthen your marriage, here are 5 ways to move from combative to connected.
1. Get to really know each other.
“Um, we already know each other. We’re married.” But do you? Duke University ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas once described marriage as a commitment so significant that entering into it changes who we are. The real challenge, he said, is learning how to love and care for the person your spouse becomes—even when they may feel like a stranger to you. And I, for one, took my wife for granted. I assumed I knew who she was, what she valued, and what her motivations were. And I was very often wrong.
If you want to strengthen your marriage, you need to move toward connection. Always approach your wife with curiosity and a desire to understand. Ask “why” questions. Use active listening to ensure you really get it. Become a student of your wife so she can feel cared for and connected.
2. Create shared habits.
My wife and I are really different. We don’t enjoy the same music, books, movies, or social experiences. We’re about as different in our makeup as two people can be. For a time, I thought that meant we just needed to do things separately. I’d go to sporting events with my friends or my kids, and she’d go to craft stores with our kids or her mom. This kept us satisfied, but it didn’t keep us connected.
Strengthen your marriage by taking the initiative to connect more with your wife. We’ve done this by identifying things we actually enjoy together and making them a habit. It can be as small as finding a TV show you can share, heading out to a restaurant that appeals to both your tastes, or engaging in an activity that’s fun to do with your kids. It doesn’t need to be a big, over-the-top thing. You just have to make a genuine effort and connect regularly.
3. Make a conscious effort to bring her joy.
For a portion of our marriage, it felt like finding happiness meant we were always headed in opposite directions. It created friction and frustration. And it often felt like we were working against each other.
If you want to strengthen your marriage, you need to be willing to move toward each other rather than away. So instead of getting frustrated that my wife and I didn’t enjoy the same things, I started thinking about how we might do things together that she enjoys to connect. Sometimes it was simply watching her favorite show with her and making an effort to genuinely show interest. Other times, it was choosing to go with her to an event she was excited about that I might otherwise just skip to watch a game. When I stopped seeing my wife as an obstacle to my joy and started engaging in activities with her to bring her joy, not only did her happiness increase, but so did my affection for her.
4. Talk about the why, not just the what.
Life is busy. If we’re not careful, most of our conversations with our wives can become audible checklists where we simply coordinate activities. This had happened to my wife and me. We felt very much like project managers, regularly checking in on the tasks we had to accomplish for the day, but not really connecting on anything deeper than the activities themselves.
Many couples can probably relate to the scenario above, but most won’t find it satisfying. To strengthen your marriage, it’s necessary to make an effort to connect with your wife on an emotional and personal level throughout the week. The next time you and your wife are cleaning up after dinner, consider jumping into “why.” For example, “Why do we blow through dinner when this is the one time we have with everyone together?” Or, “Why don’t we talk as much as we used to? I know we’re busy, but what’s keeping us from having real conversations?” “Why” gets to the heart of the issue and moves us toward connection. When we’re vulnerable and open with each other, it’s also natural to feel closer.
5. Reflect and celebrate together.
Because we often operated more like business partners than lovers, we rarely celebrated anything together. After all, we didn’t have the time, energy, or money for all of that. It was enough to get through the day, wash the dishes, and get to bed so we could do it all again tomorrow.
But a strong marriage needs more than that. Take time to reflect on the day together. Celebrate what went well and why. Make a big deal out of not just the anniversaries and birthdays, but also the little wins like that project your wife just wrapped up for work, or the compliment your neighbor gave your kid. These little things matter. When you’re a team and take the time to celebrate the little victories in life, you learn to appreciate each other as a gift, deepening your connection and growing your love.
Sound off: In what other ways can you build a connection with your wife?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “When do you feel most connected with me?”