It was late as Benjamin stepped wearily into his house. He was surprised to see Dylan, his fourteen-year-old son, waiting for him on the stairs. He hardly had time to shut the front door before Dylan started yelling: “I get it now. I get it now, OK? I get why you can’t stand me.” Benjamin tried to answer, but Dylan wasn’t done yet: “No, at least now I know the real reason why you hate me!” Things unraveled from there. Benjamin began to yell too, and the fight only ended when Dylan shut his bedroom door in his dad’s face, ignoring everything else his dad tried to say.
Many parents have experienced moments like this one from the movie We Bought a Zoo. They’ve found themselves in the crosshairs of an angry teenager. Sometimes they’ve drawn a line a teenager doesn’t like. Perhaps they’ve said something hurtful to their teen, or maybe they completely misunderstood what their kid was trying to tell them. Teens are human, and sometimes they overreact. But the way dads respond can make the situation much worse. Here are 5 bad ways to handle teenage anger.
1. Retaliate.
If your teenager is yelling, slamming doors, or saying hurtful things, you might want to give the same right back to her. It’s tempting to want to defend yourself when you feel attacked. But if you respond to an angry teen with equal force, it’ll escalate the situation. You could even say or do something you’ll regret. Instead of retaliating, allow your teen to flip out. Give her the chance to vent her emotions. When she calms down, she’ll start to come back to herself. Then you’ve got a shot at helping her deal with what’s going on.
2. Take their anger to heart.
Small children often struggle to control their impulses. That’s why it can be easier to take it when a child is freaking out. It feels worse when your teenager is the one doing the yelling. Because he looks more like a man, angry words hit that much harder. Remember that a teen’s brain is still developing. What he’s saying isn’t personal; he’s just not sure how to process his emotions. You can also take a moment like this further: Look past the emotion and consider if there’s an underlying truth to his complaint or frustration. Once the anger has passed, you might be able to grow through this moment together.
3. Threaten consequences you won’t follow through on.
In the heat of the moment, parents can also say things they don’t really mean. When you face teenage anger, you might want to tell your kid she’s grounded until she turns thirty. Or you might say you’re taking her phone away forever. But she knows these consequences aren’t going to stick. When you threaten an unrealistic consequence, you create confusion. Then, when you don’t follow through on your threat, you risk losing her trust and her respect when you don’t keep your word. If the issue requires an immediate response, send her to her room while you and her mom work out a more appropriate consequence.
4. Compare your kid to another kid.
In a moment of exasperation, you might tell your teenage son that his brother never got mad at you like this. The experience of being compared to others can crush kids of any age, but it’s especially devastating to a teenager. Your teen is already comparing himself to peers, celebrities, and his own expectations of what he ought to be. If you tell him that someone else was easier to deal with than he is (especially at a difficult moment), you’re reinforcing his insecurities. Don’t go there. Choose instead to deal with your teenager on an individual basis. He’s got unique gifts and talents apart from his siblings and other kids. He’s also got unique struggles. Make sure he knows how clearly you see that.
5. Give in just to keep the peace.
When there’s arguing and tension in the house, there might be a temptation to let your angry teen get her way. Instead of calling her out for being late, you tell her, “OK, fine, you can stay out all night if you want.” Not only do you not get to the root of whatever rule or behavior started the fight in the first place, but you also set a terrible precedent. Your teenager will learn that getting upset is the key to getting her way. Giving in might help you get through the argument, but it means you’ve failed at disciplining your child. If the tension gets to be too much, it might be helpful for both of you to take a timeout. Take a few minutes or more, catch your breath, and let your blood cool down. Leave an opening for her to talk more once she’s settled herself down. Stay firm and stick to your family’s rules. Don’t decide what to do based on your teen’s anger or getting upset.
Sound off: What are some other ways you shouldn’t (or should) handle teenage anger?
Huddle up with your kids and ask: “What helps when you feel mad?”