My daughter and her friends had been planning a weekend away, and she was so excited. That is, until she told us that the plan was that boys and girls would be staying in a house together without chaperones. We said, “Yeah, we’re not comfortable with that.” Suddenly, her excitement transformed into fear. She was terrified her friends would ditch her and go without her. She knew she would be abandoned. However, we stood our ground, and she was forced to go back to her friends. The surprising result? She realized they valued her enough to change their plans.
Not all fears are legitimate, and not all danger is deadly. Some teenage fears need to be faced so they can learn more about themselves and grow more courageous. Joseph Campbell said, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” What he meant is that often acquiring the most treasured thing requires us to face what we most fear. I think this is often true for our teens. Here are 5 fears your teen needs to face.
1. Fear of Standing Out
The paradox of being a teenager is that they long to be unique, but only unique in the same way as their friends. Because this causes so much angst in them, it’s easy for us as their parents to give in and let them fit in. Whether it’s letting them get social media before they’re ready or wear those clothes you don’t want them to, the examples are endless. Unfortunately, what this does, among other things, is teach your child to simply go along with the crowd. Don’t stand out. Don’t be yourself. What’s most important is what others think of you.
What if, instead, we held our ground? Not on everything—certainly, we want to allow our teens to have some ability to be part of social groups—but on things we find really important. It won’t be easy (for you or your teen), but it might press our teens to learn the importance of standing up for their values, even when the crowd is against them.
2. Fear of Failure
No one wants to fail, whether it’s a test, a task, or a sport; we celebrate success and mourn failure. But what if in doing this we’re actually making it harder for our teens to succeed at what really matters? Maya Angelou once said, “It may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
What if instead of shielding our teens from failure, we encouraged them to try hard things? What if we learned to praise effort, courage, and ingenuity as much—or more than—success? Who might our kids become if they weren’t afraid to fail?
3. Fear of Conflict
I hate conflict. I used to avoid it at all costs. But then I noticed something: Most of the valuable things I learned came from periods of conflict. Whether it was conflict with my wife or a coworker, or the conflict inherent in a difficult situation I had to work through, these things pressed me to ask hard questions of myself, and often, change in positive ways. The same is true for your teen.
What if instead of shielding our teens from conflict, we helped them navigate it? What if we taught them how to do healthy conflict with a friend or a teacher that leads to resolution? Maybe we’d help them build a skill set that will serve them and others for years to come!
4. Fear of Missing Out
FOMO is a thing. And social media has heightened it. At any given moment, our teens can look at their feed and discover all the things that other people are doing that they’re missing out on. This can create a sense of inferiority. After all, “Everyone is doing X.” If I miss out, I’m missing something incredible! But of course, we all miss out on things all the time. The key isn’t packing your life with all the things, but rather learning to be content.
What if we helped our teens learn to value things like contentment, being present in the moment, and finding joy in simple things? This sounds idyllic, and it certainly isn’t easy, but contentment isn’t wishful thinking but rather, critical for finding peace and joy in life. If we want to address teenage fears of missing out, we need to cultivate contentment.
5. Fear of Asking for Help
Independence is a good thing. We want our teens to learn to be resourceful as they face challenges. This teaches them that they can do more than they think they are capable of. At the same time, our teens often avoid asking for the help they actually need because they fear looking weak or stupid. And, of course, at a minimum, this causes them to be needlessly frustrated (with homework, for example). At worst, it could leave them vulnerable to real dangers (like not knowing how to deal with pressures toward sex or drug use).
What if we modeled for our teens the courage to ask for help? What if we practiced praising them for asking questions as much or more than for knowing the answers? Raising curious and courageous teens isn’t easy, but it is the work we’ve been given to do. And it starts by modeling curiosity and creativity as parents.
Sound off: What fears did you face as a teen that shaped you for the better?
Raising an anxious child can be challenging. As parents, it’s our job to love them well while helping them deal with their feelings. This All Pro Dad podcast dives into just one question: “How Can I Help My Anxious Kid?”
Huddle up with your kids and ask: “If you could get rid of one fear in your life, what would it be?”