If I were to ask kids if they are bullies, how many do you think would say they were? Probably very few, right? And what if we asked their parents: Is your child a bully? What do you think they would say? I bet that number would be super low too because most parents think the best of their kids. A UK study by the Anti-Bullying Alliance surveyed 45,000 kids, but they didn’t use the term bully. They simply used terms that are associated with bullying-type behavior. The results? 37% of kids reported bullying others from time to time and 7% said they bully others on a regular basis.
That’s a lot of kids bullying. It doesn’t mean these are horrible kids, and I say that as someone who was bullied a lot as a kid. The reality is that from a developmental perspective, kids don’t understand the impact they have on others. When you add to the fact that they are desperate for attention, you have a recipe for bullying, especially during the middle school years. As parents, we all need to talk to our kids about bullying behavior and what it does. We need to talk about how to treat others and what to do if they’re bullied or see a kid getting bullied. We need to start first with understanding why kids bully. Why do kids bully other kids? Here’s why.
1. Anger With No Positive Coping Mechanisms
There are a lot of things that make kids angry: rejection, being teased, feeling like they don’t fit in, failing grades, jealousy, confusion, and more. There’s a whole lot of angst there, and it can’t stay inside them. Some kids have no idea how to process these experiences that produce deep and complex emotions. So, difficult emotions typically come out as anger and aggression, and get directed at other kids. Kids primarily target other kids who are vulnerable—either because they lack the power to fight back physically or emotionally, or because they don’t have the social support (friends and influence) to protect them.
Helping kids learn how to process emotions is imperative. If you are a person who struggles to navigate emotions, you have to work on it. Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” This is particularly true if you are a man who believes that the only emotion men are allowed to have is anger. This sends the wrong message to boys and can even make them more likely to exhibit bullying behavior. There’s a full range of emotions we all experience, and we need to model to our kids how to handle them.
2. Seeking Power and Control
Adolescence feels at least somewhat unstable, regardless of a kid’s home life, academics, and social connections. The amount of changes they’re experiencing produces a lot of uncertainty and anxiety. However, if you add to that struggles with their grades and social challenges, it becomes significantly worse. An uneasy home life involving divorce, addiction, abuse, or mental health concerns will easily take them over the edge.
This amount of insecurity will have them looking for control and power any way they can. The easiest way is by force, especially when this has been modeled for them at home. Sometimes even the best-intended dads use intimidation to gain control and respect. We all need to look in the mirror on that one. Then there are ones who are unapologetically abusive. It’s easy for those kids to just repeat what they’ve seen. Kids in middle school often look for black-and-white answers to their problems. So, when they can exert power or control over someone, it makes them feel better, more solid and secure.
3. Attention
More than anything, kids want attention. It doesn’t matter that it comes at a cost to someone else. And it’s not that they are just mean. They might be mean, but as I said, most kids in middle—and even early high school—developmentally don’t understand the impact they have on others. All they see are two things: They get attention from other people. (They may be making other people laugh or other kids are drawn to their supposed power and confidence.) And it puts negative attention on someone else. When negative attention is on someone else, it’s not on them. I’m ashamed to say that when I see someone getting canceled or shamed online, my first feeling is relief because it’s not me. It’s natural to want negative remarks to go somewhere else, especially for kids.
Since kids have difficulty seeing the effect of their actions, we need to spell it out for them. We need to ask them questions like: What does it feel like when people make fun of you or put you down? What does it feel like when someone threatens or tries to intimidate you? How does it feel when someone is kind to you or defends you? How do you like to be treated? In light of all of their answers, the question we need to get to is this: How, then, should you treat others?
Sound off: Do you know why kids bully? What are some other possible reasons?
