I was speaking at a marriage conference, walking down the hall of a hotel, when I overheard a couple arguing in their room. I may or may not have slowed down. OK, I stopped to listen, but just long enough to hear a woman yell, “Don’t you get it? It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.”
She’s not wrong. Tone matters so much. In fact, if you want to know how to improve communication skills in marriage, one of the most powerful steps is to pay attention to your tone. So it’s important to occasionally check in and consider, what tone am I creating with my wife and kids? Am I doing my part to create a world that is warm, fun, and encouraging, or one that is tense, sharp, or unpredictable ? Knowing where you are helps you to stay or get to where you want to go. Here are 5 questions to help you gauge the tone of your home.
1. What’s my tone when things go wrong?
It is easy to create a relationship mood that is kind and loving when life is smooth. The real test is how we respond when we are stressed, disappointed, or frustrated. Do you raise your voice? Get sarcastic? Go silent? Your tone in the hard moments can either invite connection or shut it down.
2. Would I want to live with me?
This is a tough one. Imagine your personality, habits, and tone packaged into a spouse. Would you sign up for that? If the answer makes you cringe a bit, it is not about beating yourself up. It is about being aware. Self-awareness is the first step toward making the home environment better for everyone. And if your answer is Yes, I think I’m pretty great to live with, and my family would say the same, then celebrate that! Keep doing, or build on, what you are already doing.
3. What happens to the vibe of the room when I walk in?
When you enter a room, do people relax or do they brace themselves? Your presence communicates more than you think. If walking through the door changes the energy in a way you do not like, you have the power to shift it. And if your presence already brings peace, fun, or comfort, don’t underestimate the power of that gift. Keep giving it.
4. What is one adjective you would use to describe the tone of your home?
Choose just one word to sum up the overall feel of your home. Is it peaceful, playful, tense, busy, cold, warm? That one word can reveal a lot about how you and your family experience daily life together. If the word you choose makes you happy, keep doing the things that create that environment. If not, think about one small shift that could move it closer to where you want it.
5. What is one adjective your wife would use?
This is where it gets real. Ask your wife. And then listen without defending yourself. The goal is not to argue your case but to understand her perspective so you can work together to create the tone you both want. And if her word is positive, don’t brush past it. Thank her and keep leaning in to it.
Sound off: If you had to choose one word to describe the tone of your home, what would it be?
Huddle up with your kid and ask, “What word would you use to describe how our home feels most of the time?”