I’m getting closer to my first real sex talk with my son. We’ve had preliminary conversations about girls, and I offer him age-appropriate answers to his questions, like “always speak kindly and treat them with respect” when he asks how to be their friend. I have taken the eye dropper approach, not the firehose. But I know we’re nearing the intersection of childhood where the drip-drip-drip of his curiosity and cultural influence will finally break the dam. I will have to teach him about healthy sexual relationships, because I don’t trust that job to his buddies or ChatGPT.
There is so much bad information out there about sex. Movies and TV don’t portray it accurately. Many kids are getting a toxic education from pornography. Sex is amazing, but it is so easily corrupted. I am already planning how I’m going to explain the beauty of sex to my son. But it’s also important to explain what sex isn’t supposed to be. That’s a lesson even adults need to revisit. Here are 5 things sex should not be.
1. Selfish
I remember the topic of sex coming up during my pre-marital counseling sessions. “Have you guys thought about sex?” I know I had. My soon-to-be-wife had, too. We were just out of college and eager to start a family. But I admit I was thinking much more about me getting sex than her getting sex. If I could go back 16 years and whisper in my newlywed ear, I would tell myself that giving is more important than receiving. When you focus on your wife’s feelings and experience during sex, it becomes selfless. Sex should never be “me, me, me,” but rather “we, we, we.” Ask your wife what she needs and wants in your sex life. Listen and respond. It will make her feel safe, seen, and served.
2. Public
Getting to third base was a pretty regular topic of conversation during my high school baseball practices. My teammates regularly bragged about all the stuff they were doing with girlfriends. But “locker room talk” is immature, and it doesn’t always stop when we become adults. A husband’s sexual relationship is between him and his wife. Nobody else needs to know the details. The minute we begin discussing our wife’s body, preferences, or desires with others, it publicizes what’s meant to be kept intimate, special, and sacred between you.
3. Weaponized
Sex is a beautiful gift to be shared, not a weapon to be wielded. Caring spouses don’t withhold sex, nor do they take it when it isn’t consensual. Instead, commit to communicating well. If you’re tempted to weaponize sex, it’s probably because there’s a breakdown in expectations, frequency, or something else. That could be solved with better discussions outside the bedroom. Weaponizing sex will drive a wedge between you and your wife.
4. Uncontrolled
Sex makes people happy for a little while. But the pursuit of happiness should not test our self-control. Do not put yourself in situations where you will be tempted sexually. Avoid flirting with or fantasizing about people who aren’t your wife. Stop watching pornography, and if your porn use is compulsive or addictive, get help from a certified sex addiction therapist. How do you know if you have a compulsion or addiction? Try to quit, starting now. If you can’t, then you know. These things always lead to trouble. Our sexual desires are powerful. Left unchecked, things could go very poorly for you.
5. Rare
How often do you have sex, and are you happy with that? A 2018 General Social Survey of married couples revealed about 16% of people reported having sex two to three times per week, while a similar percentage, 19, had sex 2–3 per month. There is no right or wrong here. Only you and your wife can determine what the “right” amount of sex is for your relationship, but I feel safe saying sex shouldn’t be rare in a marriage. Sex bonds couples on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. If it’s not happening often, it’s time for a heart to heart. Don’t shame or blame your wife, but ask her what is happening between you that has led to infrequent sex. It may be a simple fix. It may require major change for one or both of you. Working through this together is worthwhile because sex is a powerful way to draw closer in your marriage.
Sound off: Have you ever asked your wife what sex should not be in marriage?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What does it mean to have a crush on someone?”