My thirteen-year-old’s eyes filled with tears as she read the text message. She’d been counting down the weeks till she’d see her best friend again, and she only had two more days to wait. She had ideas of what they might do together planned right down to the minute. Now, an illness at her friend’s house meant their reunion would have to wait. She handed back my phone, hung her head, and headed for her bedroom for what I expected would be a good cry.
My daughter was so disappointed, and I wish I could’ve done something to take that uncomfortable feeling away. But no matter how much we’d like it to be otherwise, our kids are going to be disappointed. Things won’t go the way they planned. A friend might turn on them. They might get dumped or fired. They could fail a test. It doesn’t matter what’s gone wrong. But as dads, we are uniquely positioned to help our kids face these hard moments. Here are 5 ways to help a teen with disappointment.
1. Make time for him.
A teenager who’s feeling down often also feels alone: like no one understands or cares about what he’s going through. This is a good time to make time for your kid. Whether it’s shooting hoops on the driveway, taking him out for a plate of wings, or just going for a drive together, showing your teenager that he is a priority will help soothe the ache of disappointment. It will also provide a space for him to talk to you (if that’s what he wants to do.)
2. Tell her it’s OK to feel bad.
Disappointment can bring up a lot of other feelings. She might also be sad, angry, jealous, and anxious. If she needs to cry, to yell, or to scream, let her have the space to do that. If she needs to vent to you, take the opportunity to sit and listen. You can help a teen with disappointment by simply acknowledging whatever emotions she might be feeling. Remember that her heart is fragile, as she hasn’t had the life experience to know that the feelings won’t last, so she needs the chance to go through the experience with you.
3. Avoid clichés.
Most of us have heard about how Michael Jordan was cut from his basketball team or how some other celebrity dealt with failure before they got their big break. Replaying a clichéd story like this isn’t how to help a teen with disappointment. It’s far more helpful to tell him your own stories of failure and distress. Let him know what you felt and how you handled it. If you did well, it’s something he can learn from. If you handled things poorly, it’s something the two of you can laugh about together.
4. Sometimes you just need to listen.
It’s often a man’s instinct to respond to a problem by trying to solve it. This reaction often isn’t the best when you’re figuring out how to help a teen with disappointment. She may be processing her emotions by talking about them, and if you swoop in to fix everything, you’ll actually make her feel worse. When you practice good listening and give her the chance to be heard, you validate both your care for her and whatever she might be feeling at the same time.
5. Remind him that your love is not conditional.
Teenagers and adults alike can equate their self-worth with their success. This can compound how hard a moment of disappointment is on a teen’s self-esteem. No matter what he’s done or what’s happened to him, tell him that you love him, and that your love is not dependent on his passing, winning, or succeeding. In doing so, we not only remind our teens that our greatest lessons can be learned from failure, but that no matter what, they are always loved.
Sound off: How do you help a teen with disappointment?
Huddle up with your kids and ask: “What was a time when you felt sad or disappointed?”