“You always choose her side,” my 10-year-old rattled out as I removed my 4-year-old daughter from their screaming match. I kept trying to explain to her older sister that the little one was just 4 and that she can’t rationalize concepts like “fairness” as easily as my older daughter can. But she didn’t want to hear this and began telling me a litany of things I do that show favor to her younger sister. Tears streamed down her face. I could tell she was hurt by what I thought was a trivial matter. I stopped everything and wrapped my arms around my 10-year-old. I could feel her anger subside in my hug. Hugging is one of many ways to be a more affectionate father.
Our kids need our warmth as much as they need our strength. Here are 5 ways to be a more affectionate dad.
1. Create a tradition.
Create a “special high-five” with your kids. Celebrate their test scores by taking them for ice cream or taking them to a comic book shop if that’s their thing. Choose a special place that only you take them for a victory meal. Create a tradition to showcase affection. In our house, we’ve come up with “Shoulder Day.” It’s a special day once a year, on Aug. 31, when my kids can get on my shoulders anytime they ask. I’ll carry them that way for about 10 minutes at a time. It sounds silly, but my kids love it and look forward to it because they know it is dedicated time they will spend with me being carried around at any moment. This small tradition has become a core memory for them.
2. Get on their level.
Getting down to your child’s eye level might seem like a small gesture, but it builds connection. When we tower over our kids, we create an unconscious barrier. But when we kneel or sit to meet their gaze, we’re saying, “You matter. I’m here. I’m listening.” My daughter came running into my home office one day with a drawing. Instead of giving my normal “That’s nice,” I pushed back from my desk, got down to her level, and really looked at her masterpiece. The joy in her eyes was priceless.
3. Give them specific and genuine information.
Instead of a generic “good job,” try highlighting exactly what impresses you. When my kids spend an hour strategically building a castle with their magnetic tiles, I make sure to point out their patience they used to construct it. These detailed observations show our children we’re really paying attention to who they are, not just what they do. I’ve noticed that the more specific my praise, the more confident they become in their abilities.
4. Engage them.
Physical play is crucial for bonding, and it’s another of the ways to be a more affectionate father. Clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson points out that mice need to play with their parents and feel a sense of winning to bond. If mice need physical play, how much more do our kids need it with their father? Whether it’s a game of monster, play wrestling, or outdoor physical sports, playful moments provide opportunities for safe, loving contact that builds trust and connection.
5. Respond to their emotions.
Responding to our children’s emotions with physical comfort can be transformative. Physical comfort communicates support in a way words often can’t. By offering a hug during both happy and difficult moments, we teach our children that it’s safe to feel and express their emotions. I know it is sometimes easy to ignore their emotions, especially when they are inflated, but their emotions are bids for physical connection and affection.
Sound off: What are some other ways to be a more affectionate father?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “If you could choose either to be carried around on my shoulders or walk around on stilts for a day, which would you pick, and why?”