As a coach, I always drove home the point that if we communicated well as a team, we’d put ourselves in the best position to win. I could walk into any meeting room and strike up a purposeful conversation with the quarterbacks. I could easily discuss route timing with the receivers or rotations with linebackers. Because communicating well was a priority for all of us, it felt like whole team shared a brain. At home with our families, that isn’t always the case.
Communicating with our kids can be hard. Some days, they’re chatterboxes. Others, they’re steel traps. Sometimes, we ask questions and get back one-word responses, if we’re lucky. When that happens to me, it leaves me feeling disconnected as a dad. Maybe this sounds familiar. If so, don’t be discouraged. There are tricks to sparking up conversations in your home. Start with these 5 great questions to ask your kids every week.
“What’s going on in your life?”
This is about them, not you. It shows you’re interested in what matters to them and that you want to find out what’s happening in their lives. This at least gets them thinking, but the goal is to get them sharing. If they’re hesitant to open up, try modifying the question to, “What’s new with your friends?” Sometimes kids are more willing to talk about what their peers are up to, and it opens the door to sharing something personal in the process.
“What made you happy this week?”
The answer to this question gives us the chance to celebrate together. Kids need to know their dad is invested in them. By asking what makes them happy, we are asking for permission to share in their joy. That experience bonds you to your kids and makes them feel valued. Listen carefully to their answer to this question, and then celebrate with them.
“Has anything made you sad this week?”
So many kids are secretly hurting. When we ask our kids what’s bothering them, it gives them a chance to vent and us the chance to empathize. Sadness can be isolating. Sometimes, based on our kid’s behavior, we assume something is wrong when it’s not. It’s OK to swing and miss, misjudging their mood. But we shouldn’t assume everything is fine just because our kids haven’t mentioned anything. If we don’t ask, we may miss opportunities to comfort our kids and to guide them through difficult circumstances. Asking if they’re sad isn’t prying. It’s parenting.
“Was there a problem this week that you had to work through?”
If your child saw a problem and conquered it, great. Praise them! If the issue persists, now you have two options. Ask if they want you to listen and let them handle things or if they need your help finding a solution. Whichever option your child chooses, everybody benefits. In scenario one, you offer support without imposing, which will deepen your child’s trust in you. In scenario two, you become teammates, which may happen more often as your child’s trust in you grows.
“Is there anything you think I need to know?”
We want our kids to know that we’re available. Whether they have good news or bad news, they need to know we always want them to share. The key is to keep calm while you’re listening. When you ask this question, promise that you’ll do that, no matter what they share. If you start flying off the handle or judging, they’ll stop sharing. The goal is open communication. That happens when they know we’re available, safe, and trustworthy.
Sound off: What are your favorite questions to ask your kids each week?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “If you could ask one celebrity one question, who would you pick, and what would you ask?”