Steve looked at the credit card bill and saw charges for restaurants he’d never been to. Sarah said she was working late those nights, but here were receipts for $47 at Bistro Luna, $63 at Marcello’s, $52 at a new restaurant they’d wanted to try together. Six months ago, he would have just asked her about it, but now she was always working late, had changed her phone password, and stepped out of the room to take her calls. He knew what he had to do, but he wasn’t ready to ask questions that might destroy what was left of their marriage.
Maybe this scenario feels familiar, but losing trust in marriage isn’t only about sneaking around. It could be in the small details of your day to day. Here are 3 signs your marriage has lost trust.
Conversations feel like walking through a minefield.
When you have trust in marriage, conversations flow freely because you both feel safe to express yourselves. When trust has been compromised, you dance around emotional triggers. You might find yourself constantly editing your words, second-guessing what to say, or avoiding certain subjects entirely. Every conversation feels loaded with potential for conflict or misunderstanding. What once felt like connecting now feels like navigating dangerous territory where one wrong step could set off an explosion.
This shift happens because broken trust creates an atmosphere of defensiveness. Both partners become sensitive, interpreting neutral comments as criticism or searching for hidden meanings in simple statements. The spontaneous, vulnerable conversations that once strengthened your bond are replaced by guarded exchanges that leave you feeling more distant than ever.
One solution is to deliberately step into the minefield and discuss your true feelings, even at the risk of seeing things get worse before they get better. Trust in marriage won’t be restored unless you start being honest with each other.
You “check up” instead of checking in.
I get nervous if I don’t hear from my wife all day because I am used to our regular check-ins. Checking in with each other out of genuine care and interest is a part of Marriage 101. These moments of connection simply acknowledge the other’s daily experiences and maintain emotional intimacy. If trust erodes, checking in transforms into checking up—a subtle but significant difference that reveals underlying suspicion.
Checking up involves interrogation rather than conversation. Questions become loaded with skepticism: “Where were you really?” “Who were you with?” “Why didn’t you answer your phone?” The tone shifts from curious and caring to suspicious and accusatory, and the person being questioned feels distrusted and controlled. Meanwhile, the person asking feels he or she needs constant proof of the spouse’s loyalty and honesty.
One suggestion is to deliberately “check in” with your wife every day, even if it feels fake at the beginning. Try engaging with her and asking about her experiences. Do this every day, and those awkward feelings might turn into authentic feelings again.
You assume the worst in your spouse.
If you trust your wife, you will normally give her the benefit of the doubt, attributing positive intentions even if her behavior seems off. You wouldn’t normally jump to dramatic conclusions right away. But you will know that trust has been damaged if this filter reverses. You know you’ve lost trust in marriage when seemingly innocent actions become suspicious, delayed responses to texts become evidence of deception, and changes in routine feel like attempts to hide something.
A negative assumption pattern like this becomes self-perpetuating. When you consistently expect the worst from your wife, you begin to interpret her behavior through that lens, which affects how you respond to her. Your suspicious or defensive reactions then trigger similar responses from her, creating a cycle of mistrust.
One solution is to just assume she has the best intentions. Train yourself to believe she is not against you to try to break this vicious cycle.
Sound off: How can spouses rebuild trust in marriage once it has been lost?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What does it mean to be transparent, and why is transparency important?”